Up & Coming Weekly

MARCH 10 - 16, 2010 UCW 27 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ADVICE GODDESS Things That Go Plump in the Night I'm absolutely appalled by your response to "Fatty With A Dream," the woman whose boyfriend hasn't touched her in over a year because she gained 40 pounds. Contrary to what you wrote, it isn't unrealistic to expect your boyfriend to be attracted to you after you've gained weight. Also, it was absolutely unneces- sary to tell her that she has "put on the equivalent of a 5-year-old child" or that she has gone up "a tent size." I think what needed to be said was this: "Dear FWAD, A woman's sex appeal has more to do with her confidence than her waist size. A woman, no matter what her size, is infinitely more attractive if she truly loves herself and how she looks. If your boyfriend can't appreciate you as you are, he's not worth it. Many men find curves on a woman to be highly attrac- tive and desirable. The more you love yourself, the more others will as well! —Voice Of Compassion It sounds so higher consciousness to say inner beauty is what really matters, but in the real world, you don't spot somebody at party and want to rip their clothes off because they look like the type to sweep an old lady's walk or read to the blind. Because I give advice for the real world, I told this woman the truth: Male sexuality is highly visual, and male lust usually has a weight limit. At a certain point, "more of me to love" becomes "way too much of me to lust after." Or, in the words of one of my blog commenters: "My sister once asked her husband, 'Would you still love me if I weighed 400 pounds?' He replied, 'From a distance.'" Of course, it's the height of political incorrectitude to advise a fat woman that she'd be more attractive if she lost weight, or even to call her fat. She's just "differently weighted," a "person of width!" And sure, those would be appropriate ways to refer to this woman if her fatness were a birth defect, or if she came down with conjunctive fatty- itis. But, like most people who are fat, she doesn't have a thyroid condition or "metabolic issues"; she just neglected to close her mouth when her hands were full of Ho Hos. When a woman snacks herself up 40 pounds and her boyfriend's refusing to touch her, about the last thing she needs to hear is "Confidence is sexy!" Trust me, her girlfriends are already reassuring her, "It's okay, you have a really pretty face" (while thinking that they're having a little trouble finding her face in all that fat). It's easier to say whatever makes somebody feel good in the moment, but that only prolongs their misery. It's kinder to tell the truth, in stark terms — that the pot they see at the end of their rainbow is actually the kind that flushes. They can choose to change or accept the consequences, but at least they're clear on the consequences; in this case, that keeping the weight probably means losing the boyfriend and having a really hard time landing another. Yes, there are many men who "find curves on a woman to be highly attractive and desirable," but not a whole lot who feel the same way about folds. Amy Alkon WEEKLY HOROSCOPE THIS WEEK in the STARS www.Astrology-101.com ARIES - March 21 thru April 20 A cycle of opportunity opens as adaptable Mercury moves into your sign. New technologies opens new doors. Expect changes for the better. TAURUS - April 21 thru May 21 Group activities are spotlighted by this week's New Moon. A new acquaintance may soon become a close friend. Also, a wish may be granted GEMINI - May 22 thru June 21. In career matters your efforts will not go unnoticed. Out of work? New Moon will give you a big assist if you renew your efforts. Visit prospects in person. CANCER - June 22 thru July 23 A business or pleasure trip could bring new interests and turn your life in new directions. Educational updates is your security in changing times. LEO - July 24 thru August 23 Financial changes for the better should be forthcoming. Accenting the positive and eliminating the negative will keep you in tune with changing times. VIRGO - August 24 thru Sept 23 Focus of your ruling planet (Mercury) is on investment opportunities. A look backwards may offer clues as to what's needed to move forwards. LIBRA - Sept 24 thru Oct 23 Work sector plays host to New Moon. Changes may develop that could be more to your liking. Health programs started now work in your favor. SCORPIO - Oct 24 thru Nov 22 Positive effects of New Moon should bring benefi ts for romantic eligibles. Meet cosmic forces half way. Circulate where others congregate. SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23 thru Dec 21 Domestic sector plays host to New Moon. You're on solid ground if you've been thinking of developing a new home enterprise. Talents are moneymakers. CAPRICORN - Dec 22 thru Jan 20 Focus of New Moon is on nearby places. Old adage is true. If at fi rst you didn't succeed, try again. This is a time to follow up on people you've seen before. AQUARIUS - Jan 21 thru Feb 19 Have faith in your abilities and develop them. Infl uential people can take an interest in your aspirations and turn them into money makers. PISCES - Feb 20 thru March 20 New Moon in your sign puts the spot light on you and your abilities. Talents can bring recognition and other rewards if you make a real effort. NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD When Dexter Blanch's dog nearly died from complications during spay surgery, he decided to use the event as inspiration and recently brought to market a chastity belt to give pet owners more control of their animals' animal instincts. The Pet Anti-Breeding System harness is especially valuable to professional breeders who may want to keep a female out of one or more "heat cycles" without resorting to sterilization. So far, said Blanch, the belts have been proven effective, but he admitted to a San Francisco Chronicle reporter in February that horndog males pose severe tests by gnawing relentlessly at the leather straps that are crimping their style. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2-3-10] The Continuing Crisis The Importance of the Dictionary: When Donald Williams was publicly sworn in as a judge in Ulster County, N.Y., on Jan. 2, offi ces were closed, and no one could fi nd a Bible. Since holy books are not legally required, Williams took the oath with his hand on a dictionary. [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 1-5-10] Merriam Webster's 10th edition dictionary is so infl uential that the Menifee Union School District in Southern California removed all copies from its elementary schools' shelves in January in response to a parent's complaint that the book contains a reference to "oral sex." [Press-Enterprise (Riverside, Calif.), 1-21-10] "Texting" While Driving Is Not the Problem: Briton Rachel Curtis, 23, was sentenced to 12 months in prison by Bristol Crown Court in October for leading police on a high-speed chase while injecting heroin. [The Times (London), 10-31-09] Authorities in Scottsboro, Ala., in December arrested a man after a high- speed chase during which he allegedly had methamphetamine cooking in the front seat. [Birmingham News, 12-23-09] Long-haul trucker Thomas Wallace was charged with manslaughter in Buffalo, N.Y., in January after his rig struck a parked car, killing the occupant, while Wallace was distracted watching pornography on his laptop computer. [Columbus Dispatch, 1-27-10] Too-Swift Justice: It is not unheard of for someone to commit a crime and then immediately surrender, usually for safety or for the comfort of a warm jail cell (such as Timmy Porter, 41, did in Anchorage, Alaska, in October immediately after robbing the First National Bank Alaska). [Anchorage Daily News, 10-23-09] However, Gerard Cellette Jr., 44, tried to be even more helpful. Knowing that he would soon be arrested (and probably convicted) for running a $53 million Ponzi scheme in the Minneapolis area, he walked into a county judge's chambers in December and offered to begin serving time. The judge explained that Cellette would have to wait until charges were fi led and a plea recorded. [Star Tribune, 12-9-09] Timing Is Everything: Guido Boldini (and his mother Constance Boldini) pleaded guilty last April to soliciting a hit man to take out Guido's ex-wife, Michelle Hudon, after a contentious child-custody battle in Keene, N.H. The "hit man" was, of course, an undercover cop, and the son and mother are now serving a combined 12 to 35 years in prison. However, unknown to the Boldinis, Michelle Hudon had been diagnosed with cancer, and in September, she died. [Keene Sentinel, 11-10-09] Earn Extra CA$H! Earn Extra CA$H! Perfect Opportunity for: •Retirees•Retired Military•Teachers on Break •Stay at Home Moms and Dads Call 484-6200 Ext. 102 * Must have own vehicle, valid drivers license and insurance.

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