Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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King Canute for Governor by PITT DICKEY "A fiery legislative horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty Hi-Yo Science and away!" The Lone Ranger, with his faithful Viking companion King Canute, the daring and resourceful masked rider of the coastal plain, leads the fight for 11th-century political science on the North Carolina shore. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. King Canute rides again!" As you will recall from your days studying world history, King Canute was the Danish King who ordered the tide not to come in. Our very own N.C. General Assembly has adopted King Canute's political- science theory and decreed that the Atlantic Ocean shall not rise. It is a proud moment for us all. A bill passed the N.C. Senate that covers us in glory even as it keeps the ocean at bay and out of downtown Wilmington. Let us consider for a moment the fascinating history of Canute. Canute was a son of the Danish King Sweyn, alias Forkbeard. In the year of our Lord, 1013, Forkbeard and his merry band of Vikings invaded England, which at the time was led by the English King Ethelred the Unready. By the time Forkbeard's army arrived, Ethelred had abandoned ship and skeedaddled out of England. In a battle between Vikings and an army organized by a dude named Ethelred the Unready, it is not diffi cult to cipher out which side won. In 1013, those Vikings were the mean Vikings, not the cute fuzzy Vikings who now show up in the Capitol One credit card ads asking "What have you got in your wallet?" The Vikings of 1013 were so mean they wouldn't even wash their hands before eating lunch. They were a wild and crazy bunch. Forkbeard stomped Ethelred the Unready's army. Unfortunately for Forkbeard, he died shortly after his victory before he could enjoy the fruits of smiting what Ernest T. Bass would have called the Englishters. a major dude that he had the power to command the tides to stop coming in. Canute had his throne put in the water and ordered the tide to stop. This did not work. The tide did not comply with 11th-century political science. Canute almost drowned because the tide refused his orders to recede. Bummer. North Carolina proudly announced the return of 11th-century political science when the N.C. Senate passed a bill which ordered the N.C. Coastal Resources Commission to use political science instead of boring, old, real science to figure out where the ocean is going. The bill tells the Coastal Resources Commission to use only historical trends instead of the report filed by the science panel that did some stupid scientific study that reported the ocean is rising a lot faster than it used to. The Senate Republican majority of major dudes who are channeling King Canute don't need scientists telling them what to do. They have strongly held beliefs and financial contributions from developers. That always trumps science. King Canute commands the tide to stop. It didn't listen. measure, the General Assembly is considering closing all of the University of North Carolina's colleges by declaring people of college age to be gentlemen and scholars thereby negating the need for expensive higher education. Next up on the N.C. Senate's political-science docket is bills to prove that Burger King's bacon sundaes won't make you fat, black is white, ignorance is strength, war is peace, Shiites and Sunnis will love each other, cancer is outlawed, the Sun shall orbit around the Earth and all N.C. children will perform well above average. As a cost cutting Canute inherited England from his Dad. The Englishters didn't much crave a Viking king. Ethelred returned and chased Canute out of England. Canute went back to Denmark and sailed back with a passel of angry Vikings. Ethelred got spooked by the army of 10,000 cranky Vikings and died of a heart attack. Canute was King again. Like most politicians, Canute was surrounded by a fleet of lackeys whose job was to kiss the royal fanny. The lackeys convinced Canute he was such In case political science doesn't work out like the General Assembly plans, consider the immortal words of Johnny Cash who once sang, "The chickens are sleeping in the willow trees/Cow's in water up past her knees/ How high's the water, mama?/Five feet high and rising/How high's the water papa?/Five feet high and rising" You be the judge. Is the N.C. General Assembly Ethelred the Unready or King Canute? PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer, COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com. Robin Kelly Owner For That Special Diploma or Wedding Portrait www.lisascustomframing.com 910.484.3585 1226 Fort Bragg Rd. • Fayetteville, NC 28305 6 UCW JULY 4-10, 2012 Packages $ Starting at ackages www.LittleMiracles4D.com 6516 Dental Ln. Suite B Fayetteville, NC 28314 910.778.5806 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM 49 Actual Image From the Womb.