Up & Coming Weekly

FEBRUARY 10 - 16, 2010 UCW 5 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Editor's Note: Margaret asked to re-run one of her favorite pieces this week. Look for a new column next week. Most American women of my generation and those which went before us assumed we would marry, and most of us did. It embarrasses me a bit to say this, but I can actually remember saying to several sorority sisters that if I were not engaged by the time I was 24, I would undertake a serious husband hunt. In reality, I was not and did not. I went to work instead for my family business and eventually married 5 days shy of my 30th birthday. All of my closest married, a few at what I think of as an early age, and several even later than I did. Not all of them, however, are married now. That is probably why I was bowled over when I read a New York Times analysis of census data which found — very likely for the fi rst time in our nation's history — that more American women are now living without a spouse than with one, 51 to 49 percent. The researchers say the only times this may have occurred in the past was during major military deployments and when black couples were separated during the days of slavery. I probably should not have been surprised since the numbers have been heading in that direction since the middle of the 20th century. In 1950, only 35 percent of American women lived spouse-less. By 2000 that percentage had climbed to 49 percent, and by 2005, the balance had shifted. Some of the reasons for this change were taking shape before the eyes of my generation of women. In college we realized that the doors of opportunity were opening for us — that teaching, nursing and/or marriage were no longer our most welcoming career choices, that we, too, could go to medical, law or business school if we qualifi ed and chose to go. It was dawning on us that we could support ourselves and that many of would do so, with or without husbands. It is also true that young women are marrying later, and on the other end, older women live longer and may be widows or divorcees for longer periods. Older divorced women are less likely to remarry quickly than are older men. The comments of researchers are telling. Stephanie Coontz of the Council on Contemporary Families says, "This is yet another of the inexorable signs that there is no going back to a world where we can assume that marriage is the main institution that organizes people's lives." Brookings Institute demographer William Frey says the shift is "a clear tipping point, refl ecting the culmination of post-1960 trends associated with greater independence and more fl exible lifestyles for women." What Frey goes on to say is provocative. "For better or worse, women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage. Younger women understand this better, and are preparing to live longer parts of their lives alone or with non-married partners. For many older boomer and senior women, the institution of marriage did not hold the promise they might have hoped for, growing up in an 'Ozzie and Harriet' era." Well! That last comment got my attention, having grown up in that era myself. But I see the truth of it in the lives of my friends, and I know that statistically when an older couple divorces, it is usually initiated by the woman. One of my dearest college friends divorced last year after 30 years of marriage and two children. She said she had just had her fi ll, and even though she is now on less solid fi nancial footing, she is happy with her own small business. Another friend, a two-time divorcee who turned 60 last year, has a beau with two attractive retirement checks. He is interested, but she has no plans to marry him, telling me she much prefers to read her magazines in bed as long as she likes. Yet another friend is contemplating divorce after her baby entered college last fall. A woman I read about but do not know fi led for divorce after she asked her husband for help with a household project and was told to "shut up." That was, simply, the last straw. So what on earth does all this mean? The English major in me has no idea, but my heart tells me that the institution of marriage as historically practiced in the United States is not meeting the expectations of increasing numbers of Americans, especially women. Marriage is the deepest personal and intimate relationship of most of our lives, and I suspect that many of you reading this are as surprised as I that, like it or not, a sea of change is underway in maybe not yours, maybe not mine, but in the institution of marriage in our nation. I see in it my children's generation and I see it in my generation. I will wake up thinking about it tonight. MARGARET DICKSON, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or editor@upandcomingweekly.com. 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