Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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24 UCW FEBRUARY 10-16, 2010 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM So indescribably, legend- arily, impossibly stupid, The Book of Eli (118 minutes) can- not possibly be summed up in a conventional review. I have no choice but to throw the standard format in the dump, and instead provide a detailed list of all the painfully endless screw-ups. That means there will be spoilers. Before you read any fur- ther, remember that I am only a reviewer. I have the incred- ibly fun job of watching movies and then expressing obnoxious opinions. You might find that you like The Book of Eli, and who am I to judge? I own a copy of The Postman. First of all, do not steal jokes from Braveheart. You know the line in the battle where the crazy guy talks to God? God says he is safe, but crazy guy then tells his army buddies that God thinks they're in trouble? Well, there is a similar scene in this movie. And it's not funny. And it doesn't work. And it made me think of a time when Mel Gibson wasn't the punch line to a mean joke. Second, when you set your movie after the apocalypse, things are going to be dirty and colorless. When you make it a central plot point that water is increasingly hard to find, things will be really dirty. When you have your cute little starlet (Mila Kunis) in a spanking clean little summer dress with milk white skin and glossy pretty hair (and lip gloss! Let's not forget the lip gloss!) it tends to take the audience out of the illusion you're attempting to create. Third, if we run with the idea that Gary Oldman is smart enough to run a town filled with thugs and sexy ladies, then why isn't he smart enough to pull a Dennis Hopper in Waterworld and simply fake a copy of a book he has apparently been looking for most of his life? In fact, if he was so des- perate for a copy of the Macguffi … sorry, the book, why didn't he save a copy? Or offer a bounty for a copy? Lack of imagination aside, if he's not smart enough to go for the head shot, then you've gotta figure his henchthugs would have taken him out ages ago. Fourth, time your release more thoughtfully. A mere month after the five star award bait based on the award winning novel The Road might not be the ideal time to release your crappy secondhand ill-conceived plot hole- filled mess of a movie. Not to mention the fact that some scenes come off as direct rip-offs of a far superior version of the apocalypse. I would put money down on the guess that both films used at least one of the same locations to film. The devastated overpass from which Viggo Mortenson bids a final adieu to an important piece of his past and the long shot focused on a devastated overpass come off as identical shots. Fifth, you will never sell me on the idea of Malcolm McDowell as a rea- sonable curator of cultural artifacts. Especially after his far more awesome work in Doomsday and Tank Girl. Sixth, cannibalism makes your hands shake? For real? Seventh, Mila Kunis is adorable. And intense. And has good comic tim- ing. But she is not now, nor ever has been, nor ever will be, a viable action star. Not with those pipe cleaners she calls arms. Finally, IPods and lighters that work 30 years after the apocalypse? Not even the magic of Denzel Washington makes that believable. Indescribably, Legendarily, Impossibly, Stupid The Book of Eli (Rated R) by HEATHER GRIFFITHS HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or editor@upandcomingweekly.com