Up & Coming Weekly

6 UCW JANUARY 20-26, 2010 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Gomer Pyle must be pure-T dazzled at what has just happened. Last week birthed a bumper crop of amazing unexpected events that no one could have ever predicted in a million years. Sarah Palin going to work for Fox News. Homerun King Mark McGwire admitting to steroid use. Senator Harry Reid being defended by Democrats and attacked by Republicans for some curious remarks he made about President Obama. The formerly fl at broke banks and Wall Street fi rms announcing giant bonuses to be paid the wizards who created our current fi nancial unpleasantness. And last but not least, it turns out that China has been selling American children toxic cadmium jewelry. Who could have imagined any of these things could ever happen? They were totally unpredictable. As Captain Renault told Rick Blaine while walking through Rick's casino and gin joint in the movie Casablanca, "I am shocked, shocked to fi nd that gambling is going on here." Then the croupier hands him a pile of money and says "Your winnings, sir." I was just as surprised as Captain Renault was at the events of last week. Let us ponder them for a bit while we wait for the waitress to bring us lunch, shall we? Ms. Palin is about to be a Fox News contributor. No one could have ever seen that coming. The conversion of Ms. Palin from VEEP candidate to TV personality is as surprising an outcome as the 9/11 attacks after the President's Daily Brief dated Aug. 6, 2001, entitled "Bin Laden determined to attack inside the U.S." Sarah will be sharing her thoughts and observations with the Tea Baggers of the Fox Nation on a regular basis. I can hardly wait. She'll be a delight to us all. Mark McGwire, who hit 70 homeruns to break the record in the summer of 1998, fi nally fessed up to using steroids and human growth hormones during his career. Who could have imagined that? With his tiny Woody Allen frame and pencil thin arms, Mark looked more like an anorexic stork than a Steroid King. If he hadn't told us he was cheating with steroids no one would have guessed. Big Mark has been bitten by the contrition bug after he got hired back into baseball by the St. Louis Cardinals to serve as hitting coach. Look for a lot of home runs in Busch Stadium this summer. Invest in human growth hormone stocks. It's gonna be a bull market for steroids again. Mark stated in his confessional, "I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroids era." Me too, Mark. I wish you had never played in the steroids era, or even any other time. Wonder if he will give back all the money he made from souvenir sales celebrating his 70 homerun season? Senator Harry Reid wins the political prize for dumbest statement of the week with his description of then candidate Obama as a "light skinned African-American, with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Surprisingly enough, Republican leaders have suddenly discovered a deep racial sensitivity that previously had not been readily apparent. They have taken great offense to Harry's remarks and have called for his head because Harry is a racist cootie brain. Equally surprising, the Democrats have circled the wagons around Harry, saying he didn't mean nothing by it. They have suffered traumatic amnesia and forgotten all the ugly things they said about Senator Trent Lott when he endorsed Strom Thurmond for President. We are grateful to the Big Banks and Wall Street fi rms for reminding us how truly insignifi cant we are. As Masters of the Universe, it is their right to take tax dollars and pay themselves whatever they want. It is just another way of showing love. Do you feel loved? Finally, let us once again thank the Chinese Industrial Complex for saving us from lead-based toys. They replaced them with cadmium-based jewelry for juniors. The only health concerns related to cadmium exposure are that it causes brain development problems in young children and is a known cancer trigger. Giving children jewelry that may cause mental retardation and cancer seems a small price to pay when compared to the twin ideals of cheap toys and temporary pleasure. As Gomer would say, "Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!" Gomer Says: 'Surprise! Surprise!' by PITT DICKEY PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or Editor@upandcomingweekly.com 910.321.0123 910.321.0123 FIREANTZHOCKEY.COM FIREANTZHOCKEY.COM 910.321.0123 FIREANTZHOCKEY.COM • All Kids 12 & Under - $5.00 • Tickets Still Available Home Games Home Games Home Games Friday, January 22 Scout Night • Scouts $5 Saturday, January 23 Pink Jersey Ladies Night Jersey & stick auction after the game! 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