Up & Coming Weekly

JANUARY 6-12, 2010 UCW 7 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or email editor@upandcomingweekly.com. Like many states, North Carolina is going broke faster than you can say Bernie Madoff. We are spending more than we can take in. Way back in 2005, the geniuses in our General Assembly and our former and unindicted Governor Easley tried to fi x the fi nancial hemorrhage by birthing the N.C. Educational Lottery. It's hard to understand how we got along without a lottery for so long. Thank goodness for Mike Easley's foresight in pushing the lottery and in buying waterfront lots at discount prices. He was one groovy governor. Turns out the Educational Lottery has a bit more lottery than education attached to it. It's hard to watch TV without seeing ads for the lottery. North Carolina's government is pushing its get rich quick scheme to the math impaired citizens of the Old North State just as hard as it can. Gamble with us and you'll be rich as Rockefeller. Something for nothing and the chicks are free. Being civic minded, I actually went to the N.C. Lottery Web site to fi nd out how I too could become a millionaire without working. The Web site is pretty cool. One section tells you where the money goes: 7 percent to the retailer who sells the ticket; 8 percent for administration; 50 percent for prizes; and "as nearly as practicable 35 percent will be transferred to the Education Lottery Fund." The term "as nearly as practicable" covers a shrinking waterfront. Nearly as practicable means it ain't necessarily so. Some money goes to education, but we ain't committing exactly how much. Still I felt pretty warm and fuzzy about the state's commitment to send its gambling winnings to education. After all, if you can't trust your state government, who can you trust? They wouldn't kid us would they? It's not like our leaders at the state level have gotten involved in insider trading or no-bid contracts. I looked all over the Web site to try to fi nd the section that said Where the Money Comes From. I must have an old computer because I couldn't fi nd that part. I guess all those millions of dollars just magically appear from rich folks who can afford to lose the money. Certainly no one who is just scraping by fi nancially would spend the kids' lunch money or the rent trying to hit it big in the lottery. Our state government is way too benevolent to try to take advantage of its poorest citizens by feeding gambling problems. But despite the Big Bucks that the Educational Lottery is extracting from somewhere, our state is still in need of more money. Fortunately while I was looking at the offi cial N.C. Educational Lottery site I found a trap door to a Beta version of the N.C. Brand Educational Heroin Web site. Yep, that's right; the General Assembly is apparently considering getting into the heroin business. The same wizards who brought you the state lottery may bring you state-sanctioned sales of N.C. Brand Heroin. The General Assembly is getting ready to move from just enabling its citizens to gamble away their money to helping them becoming addicted to heroin in the name of raising revenue. The pushers will get a 20 percent commission on the sale of the state supplied heroin. The state will get 20 percent commission for administration to hire well connected but out of work friends of important state politicians; 20 percent will go to travel expenses to fl y heroin from Afghanistan to RDU airport; 19 percent will go to purchase burial plots for citizens who overdose and as nearly as practicable 1 percent will go to the N.C. Brand Educational Heroin fund. The Heroin Web site has a nifty function where you plug in your zip code and it shows the locations of the nearest pushers and the hours of sales. To encourage the sale of heroin, there will be no sales tax. Credit cards can be used to purchase heroin from offi cially licensed N.C. Brand Heroin Pushers. There is a section on health tips for using N.C. Brand Educational Heroin responsibly with such pointers as always use a clean needle, only shoot up with people you know and trust, never carry large amounts of cash while making a heroin purchase unless you are buying from a N.C. Brand Heroin Pusher. Always have a valid will and estate plan if you are planning on becoming addicted to N.C. Brand Heroin. Remember to never use N.C. Brand Heroin more than four times a week. Try to remember to feed your children at least once a day, even if you are nodding off while enjoying N.C. Brand Heroin. If you overdose on N.C. Brand Educational Heroin, the state will refund to your estate the cost of your last purchase. So remember when you shoot up with N.C.Brand Educational Heroin, you are shooting up for the children. Heroin: N.C. Education Brand by PITT DICKEY We've got your solution to climbing credit card bills One Bill, One Payment Consolidate your high interest credit card bills today with Fort Bragg Federal Credit Union using our low, non-variable rate Visa credit card. Our rates are as low as 9.9% APR. Plus, our Visa credit card offers: No balance transfer fees • No hidden charges • No fees nor higher rate • on cash advances We're waiting for your call today! 910.864.2232 or 800.793.2328 www.fortbraggfcu.org *Membership, credit, & other restrictions apply. APR= Annual Percentage Rate. Rates and terms subject to change.

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