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Tuesday, February 14, 2012 – Daily News Soul mates: What's love got to do with it? By Paul Hollander The Free Lance-Star (Fred- ericksburg, Va.) NORTHAMPTON, Mass. (MCT) — Valen- tine's Day prompts socio- logical reflections about love. While much of my professional work has been devoted to political and historical topics, in the last few years I have become interested in love in Amer- ica, or rather, Americans' attempts to have a love life. Being a non-native American has something to do with this interest. From my earliest days in this country I felt that the American approach to matters of the heart had a distinctive quality, espe- cially the determined quest to attain a precarious bal- ance between romantic and pragmatic considerations. In my recent book, "Extravagant Expecta- tions: New Ways to Find Romantic Love in Ameri- ca," I tried to explore and better understand the romantic expectations and specifications of Ameri- cans. The sources I relied upon included novels, printed "personals" in vari- ous publications, a sample of almost 1,000 messages on a major Internet dating site, and dozens of self- help or "relationship" books offering advice about finding a soul mate. I tried to find out, among other things, whether Americans still aspire to romantic relation- ships and believe that romance and marriage are mism, positive thinking, good cheer, and a desire to be entertained. The enter- tainment orientation increasingly engulfing our society is a major explana- tion for this preference. People who make us laugh are entertaining, and smil- ing remains an obligatory part of positive self-pre- sentation in social life, pol- itics, and commercial transactions. The desire to be enter- tained — and the corre- sponding availability of a vast range of mass-pro- duced entertainment — suggests an urge to be dis- tracted from the very real problems of the world we live in. The need for dis- traction further increases as expansion of free time is accompanied by threat of boredom. compatible in a competi- tive, status-seeking, mate- rialistic, and somewhat jaded culture. Does our "radical individualism" and dedication to "self- realization" help or hinder romantic attachments? Can the multiplication of needs bred by expansive individualism be recon- ciled with long-term rela- tionships (including mar- riage) that require daily compromises? How do larger social–cultural cur- rents shape individual val- ues and desires as regards mate selection? What are the most highly valued per- sonal qualities in a poten- tial partner? The Internet sample I examined yielded an unex- pected and thought-pro- voking finding. More than 80 percent of all respon- dents designated "fun-lov- ing" as the most important and desirable trait _ well ahead of kindness, hon- esty, warmth, intelligence, integrity, courage, ideal- ism, or sense of responsi- bility. The second most popular attribute was "openness to new experi- ence." While "fun-loving" is doubtless a desirable quality it is not self-evident why it is preferred over other valuable traits of character. I believe that its popu- larity can in part be traced to what I take to be the American national charac- ter, which includes opti- My research revealed numerous contradictory beliefs and attitudes. High- ly educated, professional, and seemingly liberated women who advertised in the New York Review of Books (an elite intellectual journal) almost invariably began the extensive listing of their attractions with their looks and fine body parts, followed by their emotional, spiritual, or intellectual assets. Their needs and aspirations were expressed in remarkably standardized ways, relying on uniform terminology that reflects virtually iden- tical aspirations and pur- ported personal attractions. Not unlike the conflict- ing social–cultural values of society at large, individ- ual notices (both printed and electronic) reflect con- tradictory desires: people aspire to be at once ordi- nary and exceptional, down-to-earth and rarified, possessed of a unique indi- viduality while capable of getting along with just about anybody. Time and again women assure poten- tial partners that they are equally at home in torn blue jeans or an elaborate evening gown, and their musical tastes range "from blues to Bach." These messages suggest that Americans believe that all good things are compat- ible. Thus, intimate per- sonal relationships may incorporate both stability and adventure, established routines and a sparkling sex life; competition and competitiveness can seam- lessly coexist with warm and extensive communal bonds, romantic love with elaborate calculation, com- panionship, and autonomy with ample "personal space," voracious con- sumerism with high spiri- tual aspirations, and the demand for endless options and choices with the need for certainties. Preoccupation with authenticity does not pre- clude the quest for popu- larity and the cultivation of social skills. A shallow romanticism survives, perpetuated by popular culture and espe- cially advertising but the expectations entailed are not easy to gratify given the darker sides of individ- ualism: self-centeredness, a sense of entitlement, a problematic sense of iden- tity, and an overestimation of the capacity for "person- al growth." The sources I examined also reflect a view of the world in which a therapeu- tic orientation, spiritual longings, and the wish to be entertained converge and coexist. Both popular and elite culture stimulate and encourage the profu- sion of incompatible desires harbored by many Americans. Under these circum- stances it is not easy to establish a sustaining love life, notwithstanding the new means available for its pursuit and the outpouring of "expert" advice. This does not mean that Ameri- can will cease to pursue the dream of a versatile soul mate who will gratify their diverse and often contra- dictory needs. Paul Hollander is the author or editor of 15 books. "Extravagant Expectations" was published last year by Ivan Dee and is distributed by Rowman and Littlefield. He is professor emeritus of sociology at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and an associate of the Davis Center of Russian and Eurasian Studies at Harvard University. Readers may send him email at hollanderaz@yahoo.com. He wrote this for The Free Lance-Star in Fredericksburg, Va. 3B Oh Snap! The Daily News wants your pho- tos: Cute kids, Adorable pets, Inspirational sights Send pictures to edi- tor@redbluffdai- lynews.com or drop off at 545 Diamond Ave. in Red Bluff. Include a caption. Through the Newspapers in Education program, area classrooms receive the Red Bluff Daily News every day thanks to the generosity of these local businesses & individuals. DAILY RED BLUFF UNDERWAY! VOTING IS Vote for your favorite Tehama County Businesses! Online Ballots Only at www.redbluffdailynews.com at random from all eligible ballots on March 1. Each will receive a $100 Shopping Spree at the Tehama County business of their choice! 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