Up & Coming Weekly

28 UCW DECEMBER 23-29, 2009 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM There is nothing like a good, low budget, exploitation movie. But even for a B movie with no pretensions to greatness, Armored (88 minutes) achieves levels of such stupidity as to boggle the mind. Director Nimrod Antal, who also directed Vacancy (which was actually a totally enjoyable flick) fails to deliver a reasonable plot, engaging dialogue, likable charac- ters, consistent characterization, realistic timelines, interesting plot twists, decent thrills or even the slightest amount of suspense. The script, in addition to being completely ridiculous, was apparently written by a twelve year old with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Writer James Simpson (if that is his real name) didn't even manage to put together a so bad it's good fun popcorn movie. Checking your brain at the door would not have made this pathetic excuse for a film even the slightest bit more enjoyable. A-six-year old with a head injury could have written a better movie. My dog could have written a better movie. Ty Hackett (Columbus Short), a decorated war hero, is raising his younger brother Jimmy (Andre Kinney). His godfather, (who is approximately three years older than he is) Mike Cochrone has evidently gotten him a job at Eagle Shield Armored Truck Company, working for Duncan Ashcroft (Fred Ward). As shown in the trailers, during what is probably his probationary period, Hackett is hazed by the other men working his security truck. Baines (Laurence Fishburne), Quinn, (Jean Reno), Palmer (Amaury Nolasco), and Dobbs (a scruffy, beaten down, Skeet Ulrich) have a good laugh about the faked robbery attempt, then leave it to Cochrone to explain the carefully planned out heist that requires skilled orchestration and complete trust to the brand new guy who they know hardly anything about. Since decorated war heroes are known for their moral flexibility, Hackett doesn't need long to think about this life-altering decision. Acting in no way shifty, shady or suspicious the conspirators get through their pick up and put their plan into action. Baines, who is drinking an awful lot for someone holding a gun that big, makes some bad decisions that change the group dynamic. Eventually, in an attempt to ratchet up the nonexistent tension, an artificial countdown is begun and immediately ignored the moment it inconveniences the plot. Into this completely original and fascinating mix is thrown the infan- tile Sheriff Eckehart (Milo Ventimiglia), who does get shot, but not quickly (or messily) enough to hold my interest. Some things happen, some more people get shot, some people get knifed, some other things get blown up, but nothing really surprising occurs. Nothing, that is, aside from the surprising choice of the studio to actually release this hot mess to the American public. Now, Dillion will do anything for a paycheck. But what kind of blackmail could make otherwise decent actors such as Reno and Fishburne agree to put their names on this bottom of the barrel roadkill of a movie? The best part was laughing my head off at each attempt to inject even the most miniscule bit of suspense into this limp bit of cin- ema via increasingly desperate plot devices, none of which worked. It Boggles the Mind Armored (Rated PG - 13) by HEATHER GRIFFITHS HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or editor@upandcomingweekly.com

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