Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/51755
Just Because You Can, Doesn't Mean You Should by PITT DICKEY Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Let us ponder the curious case of Dutch scientist Dr. Ron Fouchier who recently invented a more effi cient form of the H5N1 virus, which is sometimes affectionately called the Bird Flu. For those of you who were in the lobby buying popcorn when the movie started, the H5N1 virus, alias the DEADLY BIRD FLU THAT WILL WIPE OUT THE WORLD was once a humble pestilence that really wasn't effi ciently spread. Once you got the bird fl u, 50 percent of its infestees died; fortunately the bird fl u wasn't as contagious as the End-of-the-World fans had hoped it would be. It just didn't share very well. It wouldn't spread through the air. Mostly you had to get up close and personal with a chicken to get the bird fl u. After a lot of news hype, the Bird Flu fl ew away. We lost interest when the world didn't end. Into this breach of a petered out Avian Apocalpyse stepped up Dr. Ron Fouchier, who had the brilliant idea of souping up the ability of H5NI to jump from host to host. All Ron needed was a fl ock of ferrets, a bowl of H5N1 virus and a stack of Kleenex to realize his dream of creating a more mobile virus that could live up to its true potential of wiping out life on earth through airborne infestation. Even the Bird Flu virus needed love and encouragement. Who wouldn't want a virus to be all that it could be? Why, you might ask, did Dr. Fouchier think it was a swell idea to put the wind beneath the wings of the H5N1 virus? He did have a rationalization for what some soreheads might think was a pretty dumb idea. Dr. Fouchier said he invented the new, improved Bird Flu virus to study it to see how to deal with it in the event that it fi nally decided to mutate into a form that used Air Jordan Retro shoes to jump from person to person. Dr. Fouchier is quoted in the LA Times as saying, "It's all about predicting what will hit you next. We want to predict earthquakes and tsunamis; we also want to predict what will happen with the Bird Flu Virus. This work needed to be done." Sounds reasonable. What could possibly go wrong? So how did he create his exciting new Super Bird Flu? He got a bunch of ferrets and stuffed the bird fl u virus into their noses. What an interesting career path for the lab tech charged with stuffi ng fl u virus into ferret noses. Once a ferret got sick, they would then have the ferret blow its nose into a Kleenex and transfer the infected ferret mucous into the nose of a healthy ferret. The wizards in white coats did a little bit of "genetic tweaking" of the ferret mucous before stuffi ng the formerly healthy ferret with cootifi ed ferret mucous. This process is reminiscent of the famous Southpark "Ookie Mouth" episode involving chicken pox wherein the mothers decide to have their children infected with Kenny's chicken pox to get it over with. The moms sent their kids over to spend the night at Kenny's house to expose them by playing a game that will not be described herein. Stan almost dies from the chicken pox after winning a game of Ookie Mouth. Dr. Fouchier's sick ferrets were kept in the same room with healthy ferrets to see if the souped up H5N1 virus could spread through the air to the healthy ferrets. And after fi ve "genetic tweaks," the H5N1 virus fl oated through the air and infected the healthy ferrets. Dr. Fouchier was surprised how quickly the virus mutated under his expert hands. The New York Times quoted him as saying, "We both needed a beer to recover from the shock." Oh happy day. The Bird Flu, with a little help from its friends, reached its full potential as the world's most deadly pathogen. It can now spread through the air to all and sundry. It is a triumph of modern science. A prominent virologist says that due to the various safety features at the lab such as air locks, space suits and a four-leaf clover, that "there is no chance for the virus to escape." Doesn't that make you feel better? After all, has anything ever gone wrong in the fi eld of science? No way, Jose. Everything always works out just the way it is planned. If the wizards in white coats tell us that the virus cannot escape and the Titanic cannot sink, that is enough for me. Better living through chemistry, that's the ticket. You gotta respect those Mayans. 2012 is going to be colorful year. Hope you enjoy Ookie mouth if the wizards are wrong. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer, Up & Coming Weekly, COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com. 6 UCW JANUARY 4-10, 2012 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM