Up & Coming Weekly

DECEMBER 9-15, 2009 UCW 7 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or email editor@upandcomingweekly.com. What do you get when you cross songs by Janis Joplin and Elvis Presley with a highly personal medical procedure? You get "Got Dem Old Cosmic GI Blues Again Momma" and a colonoscopy. Both Sarah Palin and my second colonoscopy showed up in Cumberland County on the same day. Sarah was out at Fort Bragg signing books and I was at the Endoscopy Palace. While I am not a fan of Ms. Palin, I'd rather be standing in line to bask in her reflected glory than participating in another colonoscopy. I'd have gone to see her had I not been otherwise engaged. Not because I agree with anything she says, but because I would have enjoyed the spectacle. Being a fan of the bizarre, I would go see a two headed goat if one came to the PX. Sarah is at least as interesting as a two headed goat. Faithful readers of this column, and I know there are at least two, will recall that I wrote about my first colonscopy about seven years ago. Apparently I have no sense of reserve about medical hijinx so here is Colonoscopy Part II, the Sequel. As you pass through the corridors of time, if you are reasonably intelligent and your wife keeps bringing it up, you will have routine colonoscopies to tamp down serious health issues. Fortunately for me, my wife Lani is persistent and I made a return trip to colonoscopy city. The actual procedure is not difficult. You get to sleep through it. The interesting part is the preparation. Things have not changed since the last time I enjoyed C-Day. You stop eating solid food the day before. C-Day eve is planned out like the invasion of Normandy. At 4 p.m. you get to swig down a bottle of Magnesium Citrate which is rocket fuel for your lower intestinal tract. It looks like a pale version of champagne. Its bubbles are very high octane. At 6 p.m. the real fun begins when you start chugging down three to four quarts of something called Golytely to keep things moving along. If ever a medication were misnamed, it's Golytely. Ain't nothing light about going with Golytely. Imagine drinking a gallon of pond sludge after a tanker trailer wreck dumped crude oil in a swamp. That pretty well sums up the experience with the gallon of fun juice. Golytely comes with a choice of flavor packs — orange, lemon-lime and Kill-me. I chose lemon-lime. It didn't help. Here's a tip from my last C-day experience which I will pass on to you. On the first C-Day I filled up a big Carolina Cup full of Golytely. That was a mistake. You cannot under any circumstances drink it fast enough to keep it from resuming room temperature. Once at room temperature Golytely's inherent nastiness expands exponentially. Drinking it during the original C-Day reminded me of my first experience with beer. Some high school friends and I were at Myrtle Beach at a camp ground and had purchased adult beverages. I had obtained a quart of Colt 45 Malt liquor. I was unable to drink the beer quickly. By the time I got to the bottom of the quart of Colt 45 it was warm. It had morphed into Clot 45. That is what warm Golytely tastes like, only worse. For C-Day #2 I filled up the Carolina Cup only two fingers deep. This allowed me to drink it while it was still cold. Golytely is much more tolerable cold than at room temperature. I did not get nauseated. You have to keep getting up to go to the refrigerator to get more, but by then you are getting up pretty frequently for other reasons. I highly recommend this method of getting the fluid down. I finally finished it about 2 a.m. At 4 a.m. you get up and consume another bottle of Magnesium Citrate to clean out whatever is left. By the time I got to the Endoscopy Palace at 7:30 a.m., I was so happy not to be drinking foul tasting liquids I was quite pleased to be there. Like Johnny Colonoscopy, I encourage everyone to have regular colonoscopies. It just might save your life. Think of the great stories about your colonscopy you can tell visitors who won't leave when it is past your bed time. They'll clear out of your house quicker than you can say Magnesium Citrate. A Clean, Well-Lighted Place by PITT DICKEY G r ea t P l ace Pri m e Sp a c e G r ea t P l ace Pri m e Sp a c e Seminars and Symposiums Business and Group Meetings Private Parties Reunions and Receptions Hail and Farewells Holiday Galas ~ÛGmj\m]Û;jan]ÛÛÝÛÛ~ÛgjÛ~~ ~ÛGmj\m]Û;jan]ÛÛÝÛÛ~ÛgjÛ~~ ea t P l ace e e e a a t t P Pl l a a c c e e e e P l P Pl l Azales Event Facility

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