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Saturday, November 12, 2011 – Daily News 5A FEATURES Perfectionism Freeloader frequently filches food Q: I'm a bit of a perfectionist — both at work and in my private life — and my friends make fun of me for needing things to be "just so." Their teasing is good- natured, but I do sometimes wonder if my need for everything to be perfect at all times can be a bad thing. Is there a down side to my perfectionism? A: You are far from alone. In fact, a surprisingly large number of people are told: "You're such a perfec- tionist." Most don't know if they should feel insulted or flattered when someone says this. And what do peo- ple mean when they say that, anyway? We often consider some- thing to be "perfect" when we can no longer find any errors, mistakes or flaws. Sometimes when you've done something "perfectly," it simply means that you achieved a particular stan- dard you set for yourself. Striving to achieve a per- sonal standard like this can lead to increased effort, accomplishment and feel- ings of satisfaction. However, when taken to an extreme, these standards can do a number on your self- esteem. They can create the feeling that "nothing is ever good enough." Perfectionism can also lead to a rigid adher- ence to following a routine: You feel that things always have to be done a particular way, and your approach can't ever be altered. Perfectionists who vary their routines may find themselves constantly doubting their own actions. If you're never sure you've made the right decision, you can end up always sec- ond-guessing yourself, even when you do act. Perfectionism can bring on many different emo- tions. They can range from low self-esteem to strong confidence. It may make you feel anxious and tense on the one hand, or deter- mined and persistent on the other. While being a perfec- tionist can give you a great sense of accomplishment, it can also lead to long-term dissatisfaction. Think about how you usually feel when you are working on or completing an important task. The pro- ject could be a big project at work or a home renovation project. Do you feel like your self-worth rides on everything you produce? Can you recognize that it's OK to not be at your best for everything all of the time? As with many things in life, whether your need for perfection is healthy or unhealthy comes down to a matter of degree. The ques- tion is: Does your perfec- tionism provide more bene- fit than negative aspects, or K W I K K U T S Family Hair Salon 1064 South Main St., Red Bluff • 529-3540 with coupon $200 REGULAR HAIRCUT off Not good with other offers Reg. $13.95 Expires 11/30/11 Counseling Center Giving Families Hope! Did you think we were just for children? • Individual & Family Counseling • Couple/Relationship Issues • Anger • Depression • Anxiety • Emotional Trauma • Family Relationships • Parenting Call our office for more info. 529-9454 Red Bluff 590 Antelope Blvd. Suite B-30 Corning Counseling Center 275 Solano Street #2 NORTH VALLEY 632 Main St., Red Bluff 527-5837 MATTRESS MON.-FRI. 9:00-5:30 • SAT. 9:00-5:00 Closed Sundays does the pressure of high standards make you unhap- py? Dr. K by Anthony L. Komaroff, M.D. Perfectionism can be especially detrimental when it becomes extreme — when it inter- feres with your basic daily func- tioning, work, rela- tionships and car- ing for yourself. In this case, it becomes increasing- ly associated with psycho- logical disorders such as depression, eating disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The bottom line is that there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. When it works for you, per- fectionism encourages you to achieve high but reason- able standards that lead to feelings of satisfaction and increased self-esteem. Unhealthy perfection- ism, on the other hand, compels you to hold your- self to unrealistically high expectations — and can be driven by a fear of failing and disappointing others. If you feel that your need for perfection is inter- fering with how you live your life and your happi- ness, it might be worth speaking with a profession- al who can give you some tools and tips for how to better channel and control your perfectionist tenden- cies so that they work for you and not against you. One tool that may be of help is a new book from Wiley Publishers in collab- oration with Harvard Health Publications, the consumer publishing divi- sion of Harvard Medical School. "The Perfection- ist's Handbook: Take Risks, Invite Criticism, and Make the Most of Your Mis- takes," written by Harvard psychologist and executive director of the International OCD Foundation Jeff Szy- manski, Ph.D., can help you identify whether your tendencies are healthy or unhealthy and give you advice on how to use them to your benefit, both at work and in the rest of your life. Dear Annie: I work in a small office with 10 people. We all work on commis- sion. The problem is the boss's nephew. ''Randy'' does as little as possible to get by and is a total leech. I know he doesn't make much on commission, because he rarely gets any work done. He's too busy on the Internet. Here's the problem: We all bring snacks to leave in the kitchen. Randy eats everything. But if you ask him to contribute a dollar, he claims not to have any money. He looks like he's starving, yet he manages to buy cig- arettes and alcohol and will bum off of anyone for his lunch. I'm tired of buying snack food only to have it disappear. I have told Randy that if he doesn't contribute to the pantry, he shouldn't eat. How can I firmly get this across to him? — Gloria Dear Gloria: You can't get this across to Randy because he will ignore you. His approach to life is to get something for nothing. Those of you who contribute to the snacks should keep them under lock and key, or have them at your desks so you can control who gets them. Dear Annie: My brother and his wife have two preteen children. My sister-in-law is a rude, opinionated, controlling, unlikable woman. She seems to take pleasure in making nasty comments to shock people, and she belittles my brother in front of others. My brother is a nice man, but unfortunately, he's meek and allows his wife to handle everything, including the childrearing. The children have never Annie's Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar had any manners. They never say ''please'' or ''thank you,'' nor do they say hello to us or greet visi- tors. I realize they may be shy, but they won't respond when asked a question, even by a waiter who wants to know what they are order- ing. They glare instead. If we ask them to introduce their friends to us, they say, ''No, I don't want to.'' Because my sister-in-law is always hovering, my siblings and I don't feel it is appropriate to correct them. We don't want to create a problem. We also won't say any- thing to my brother because he will tell his wife, who would become angry. We all realize that a lack of man- ners is quite common these days, and that most parents do not want others telling them how to raise their kids. Should we look the other way and watch the children grow up to be disagreeable adults like their mother? Should we have a talk with our brother? Can I say, ''Johnny, why haven't you said hello to Aunt Jane?'' — Aunt Jane Dear Jane: It's OK to say, ''Johnny, I'd love it if you said hello to your Aunt Jane.'' Beyond that, we strongly recommend you keep quiet. Not only will your sister-in- law resent your comments, but the kids will not respond well, either. When they are a bit older, you can stop giving them presents if they won't acknowledge them and say ''thank you.'' But we hope you real- ize that whether they grow up to have their mother's personality has little to do with their current man- ners. Dear Annie: I'm writing in regard to the letter from ''Losing My Family,'' the 16-year-old who is having a hard time with his mother. He is dealing with some teen issues, but it is not normal for Mom to yell at him for grades in the high 90s. Unfortunately, too many children have to deal with divorced parents who say bad things about the other parent. That mother sounds as if she is taking all of her anger out on her son. They both could benefit from counseling. But if Mom isn't inter- ested, ''Losing'' should see some- one, even if it's only the school counselor, as you recommended. I hope things get better for him. I do understand. I have two daughters and have been divorced and remar- ried. — A Mom in Texas Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. Class for women in cancer treatment The American Cancer Society is offering ladies who are undergoing can- cer treatments a free "Look Good, Feel Better" session to learn to cope with appearance-related side effects of treatment and regain a sense of self- confidence and control over their lives. This program is offered every other month in Red Bluff with the next session set for 10 a.m. to noon on Monday, Nov. 28. The session is hosted by St. Elizabeth Commu- nity Hospital in the Coyne Center located at 2550 Sister Mary Columba Dr. in Red Bluff. Registration is required. For reservations and more information, call the American Cancer Society at 1-800-227- 2345. "Look Good, Feel Bet- ter" is a free program offered in a group ses- sions, which provide edu- cation, information and support. In each session, volunteer cosmetologists or estheticians (all certi- fied and trained profes- sionals) teach women how to enhance their appear- ance using complimentary cosmetics and skin care products. Patients also learn how to disguise hair loss using wigs, turbans, scarves, and various accessories. The program is presented through col- laboration between the American Cancer Society, the Professional Beauty Association/National Cos- metology Association and the Personal Care Prod- ucts Council Foundation. Volunteers are also needed in your communi- ty, please call 1-800-227- 2345 for more informa- tion about The American Cancer Society programs and services to cancer patients and learn how you can make a differ- ence. Pre Holiday Entire Inventory 25% off Wednesday, November 15th, 16th & 17th Noon till 6 PM