Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/468256
8 FEB. 25 - MARCH 3, 2015 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Right now you are probably asking yourself, what do cult leader Charles Manson, reclusive author J.D. Salinger and Scottish poet Robert Burns have in common? That's a fair question and much easier to answer than what to do about turmoil in the Middle East. Since Manson has been in the news lately, we'll start with him to see where that leads us. Charlie's matrimonial ship has run aground with his dreamboat fiancé Afton Burton, better known to her posse as Star. Charlie is a guest of the State of California for life due to his involvement in the 1970s Sharon Tate murders. He is 80-years-old and Star is 27. As you may recall from a prior column, our star-crossed lovers had gotten a marriage license to join themselves in the holy bondage of matrimony. Some cynics thought this May/Halloween marriage wouldn't last as a result of their 53-year age difference and Charlie's commitment to the Big House. In a country where the most popular movie is 50 Shades of Gray, anything is possible for those truly in love like Charlie and Star. As an aside, I went to see 50 Shades so that I could discuss it at cocktail parties. I will only say that I want those two hours of my life back. Fortunately the popcorn was good. But I digress. Back to our lovebirds Charlie and Star. According to news reports, it turns out Star was really interested in Charlie's body. Like Mr. Gray and Anastasia in 50 Shades, Star loved Charlie's body, or more accurately, she loved his eventual corpse. Alas, it was not Cupid who brought Star and Charlie together, but rather it was Mammon the Lord of Greed. Star had figured out a way to monetize Charlie's corpse when he slipped the mortal bonds of Earth and descended to the 9th Circle of Hell to hang out with Hitler and Rod McKuen. Star and a male friend had worked up a plan to exhibit Charlie's body under glass like Lenin, once Charlie expired. They could then charge the public admission to come see Charlie. In a country that made 50 Shades the biggest February movie ever, this plan to make money from Charlie's corpse could not miss. Let us not forget what H.L. Mencken said, "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." Initially Plan A called for Star to sweet talk Charlie into leaving her his body after his expiration date. Charlie didn't think ending up as a carnival exhibit was an appropriate way to spend eternity, and put the kibosh on leaving his body to Star. Star, being the resourceful entrepreneur that she is, then switched to Plan B, which involved marrying Charlie. This business plan being that as Charlie's widow in California, she would be in charge of his final arrangements. She could then stuff Charlie in a glass tube for the amusement and edification of the huddled masses yearning to see Chuck's leftovers. But as Robert Burns once wrote, "The best laid plans o' mice and men gang aft agley." Charlie found out about the non-burial plot and nixed the marriage to Star. Charlie claims he is never going to die so Plan B is unrealistic as he will never be a corpse. Robert Burns foresaw Charlie's and Star's domestic situation when he wrote, "If a body meets a body/Comin' through the rye/If a body miss a body/Need a body cry?" Star missed getting Charlie's body. Now she must cry for her lost meal ticket. Which takes us back to J.D. Salinger's opus, The Catcher in the Rye, in which the protagonist Holden Caulfield wishes he could be a sort of lifeguard standing in a field of rye, catching little children to prevent them from running off a cliff. Star was going to be Charlie's catcher in the rye, keeping him from being buried in a pauper's grave and thus lost forever to public view. Star would have taken Charlie's body on the high road to adventure; exhibiting him across the length and breadth of the fruited plains. With Star's Plan B dashed; America, Charlie and Star must quietly wait for 50 Shades Darker to be released to sate our desire for bad taste. Oh, the sorrow and the pity. Charles Manson won't get his happy ever after with fiance Afton Burton after all. Can This Marriage Be Saved? by PITT DICKEY PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. Don't just learn... be inspired! FTCC CONTINUING EDUCATION www.faytechcc.edu/continuing_education (910) 678-8431 From art, cooking & photography, to quilting, yoga, furniture upholstering & more - we have it all! Even kids' classes June - August! Don't Delay! Register Today!