Up & Coming Weekly

28 UCW NOVEMBER 11-17, 2009 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or editor@upandcomingweekly.com Even for a kids horror/comedy movie, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (109 minutes) wasn't all that scary, funny, or even watchable. Frankly, it was both boring and confusing. Judicious editing might have helped, but it was pretty clear that the source material suf- fered from the same problems. It really is a shame, since direc- tor Paul Weitz had one or two good movies under his belt (i.e. American Pie) and the ideas are solid. Who would have thought that stories conceptu- ally linked by a mystical freak show could end up so unentertaining? To begin with, one of the two teenaged male leads was inexplicably mean spirited. The other teenaged male lead seemed inexplicably idiotic. While the average teenage male is not noted for either especial sweetness or dashing brilliance, paint- ing your lead actors as bullying morons is not going to win over your audience. Coupled with unlikeable leads, the story seems bogged down with a too-intricate back story. Fans of the book might have a clue about what is going on; everyone else should settle in to be bored. Darren (Chris Massoglia) and Steve (Josh Hutcherson) seem to have come out of the same obnox- iously generic boy band mold. Following a few acts of juvenile delinquency, they end up at a freak show run by Mr. Tall (Ken Watanabe). While at the freak show, Steve, in a complete- ly unrealistic logical jump, identifies one of the performers as vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly). His name is literally the most amazing and admirable thing about this movie, since even Reilly's usually depend- able acting is completely absent. Darren and Steve end up with Larten's plastic, poisonous, neon spider and Steve ends up with a giant glowing bite mark on his cheek. In a plot twist too convoluted to fully explain, Crepsley agrees to cure Steve if Darren will become his half-vampire manservant. Of course, the distinction between vampire and half-vampire goes completely out the window whenever the plot calls for a little mystical contrivance. Meanwhile, another vampire faction, the Vampaneze (insert eye roll) want to control both Steve and Darren. So, Darren hides out at the Cirque du Freak with Snake Boy Evra Von (Patrick Fugit) and Monkey Girl Rebecca (Jessica Carlson). R andom guest stars who wander onto the set and deliver their lines like just revived coma victims include The Bearded Lady Madame Truska (played by a pale, caricatured, shadow that used to be Salma Hayak), the Regenerating Woman Corma Limbs (Jane Krakowski), and Mr. Ribs (Orlando Jones). On top of all the other flaws, the movie doesn't want to end. During the first 20 minutes I was trying (and failing) to keep my eyes open. During the last 20 min- utes I was just waiting to leave. In fact, as the film was wrapping up, yet another subplot was introduced, and I audibly groaned…luckily, just when I thought I was in for yet more punishment, the credits began to roll. I was off that seat like it was on fire. When it comes time to decide whether or not to take your kids to see this crappier than average slugfest, do yourself a favor and justbuy them the book. It has to be better than actually sitting through the movie. Even For a Kids Movie it was Subpar Cirque du Freak: The Vampires Assistant by HEATHER GRIFFITHS Falcon Children·s Hom Falcon Children·s Home • FCH is in need of items such as school supplies, canned food, paper products (paper towels and toilet paper.) • Individuals and businesses are invited to participate in Harvest Train • Donation Deadline: Friday, Nov. 20 Harvest Train Itinerary: A caravan of cars, buses, and vans will form a parade at 9:00 that will end at the J.A. Culbreth Auditorium where a program will be presented by the kids at 11:00. Lunch will follow the program on the campus of Falcon Childrens Home. For more information call 910.980.1065 www.falconchildrenshome.com Join us for a Harvest Train on Tuesday, November 24 • 8:45 am-1:00 pm Join us for a Harvest Train on Tuesday, November 24 • 8:45 am-1:00 pm Join us for a Harvest Train on Tuesday, November 24 • 8:45 am-1:00 pm

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