Up & Coming Weekly

6 UCW OCTOBER 28 - NOVEMBER 3, 2009 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM As we all know, there are no coincidences. Once again this immutable law of nature has proven itself with the intersection of Falcon Heene the Balloon Boy and Carrie Prejean the Balloon Girl. Life supplies many uncertainties. The stability of the rule forbidding coincidences is an island of comfort in a sea of wackiness. Everyone knows Falcon the Balloon Boy. More comment has been lavished on the Richard Heene family of lovely Fort Collins, Colo., than on David Letterman's colorful theory of good employer/employee relations. Just when things are getting a bit too serious — more troops for Afghanistan, health insurance for the uninsured, Deficit Spending Gone Wild, along come two groovy stories to take our minds off our troubles. Bread and circuses worked for the Roman Emperors to keep the peasants diverted from troubles of the empire. Balloons and circuses still work in America today. God bless you cable news networks for convincing us to watch you pull a rabbit out of a hat instead of paying attention to stuff that actually impacts our lives. For those of you who have been living under a rock, the Balloon Boy apparently was part of the pilot episode of Family Fraud, a reality show being pitched by Dad O' the Year, Richard Heene. Falcon's balloon went up without him. O.J. Simpson's low speed chase morphed into Falcon's four hour balloon ride into fame and an attic. Some of the story wilted when Falcon spilled the beans on national TV about hiding upstairs because Dad told him he was doing it for a show. Falcon didn't help matters much by throwing up twice on national TV when asked about why he hid in the attic. Falcon still retains a conscience despite his father's lack thereof. At the same time that the Balloon Boy burst onto the nation's windshield, another balloon story appeared on the old radar screen. America's sweetheart, Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California USA reared her cute little head. Although it is unlikely that anyone is unaware of Carrie's problems, a brief summary may be in order. Carrie won the Miss California USA contest and was a finalist with Miss North Carolina USA for the title of Miss USA of the entire Known Universe. Miss North Carolina won the Miss USA title and promptly disappeared. Anyone out there able to give the name of Miss North Carolina, the actual winner of the contest? I thought not. In the Pondering Portion of the Miss USA contest, Carrie was asked if she was in favor of gay marriage. She announced she wasn't and came out in favor of opposite marriage. This created a bit of hub bub amongst the folks who hate gay marriage and those who are in favor of it. The ensuing ruckus led to Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA contest and First Lord of Ethics and Theology to hold a press conference to announce he would keep Carrie on as Miss California. Carrie kept her title for a while. Then the Miss California Pageant fired Carrie for allegedly not doing what Miss California USA is supposed to do, whatever that is. Carrie fired back at the pageant with a law suit alleging religious discrimination because she was a Godly person in favor of opposite marriage and keeping things the way God made them except when it came to wearing the twin balloons of breast implants. The pageant then countersued Carrie for $5,200 for the cost of the breast implants it paid for Carrie to enhance her natural talents in her official capacity as Miss California. Fortunately for Carrie, the pageant is not seeking to repossess the implants. Repossession could get messy. It just wants the money. The ageant may have a warehouse full of implants for its contestants to sport while wearing bikinis and high heels. All the world loves a good lawsuit. Carrie and the Miss California Pageant have entered into a symbiotic relationship with each other to produce reams of publicity for them both as the fight over Carrie's balloons drags on. Artificially inflated objects got the Balloon Boy and Miss California USA into trouble. But their balloons took America's minds off its troubles. As the Fifth Dimension once sang, "The world's a nicer place in my beautiful balloon/ Up, up and away!" PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or email editor@upandcomingweekly.com. Three Balloons by PITT DICKEY " FAYETTEVILLE 1 - 866 - 942 - 7762 www.plannedparenthood.org/centralnc PLANNED PARENTHOOD Plannin is Powe We hope she has a brother or sister one day. 'Til then we're using birth control." FAYETTEVILLE 1 - 866 - 942 - 7762 www.plannedparenthood.org/centralnc PLANNED PARENTHOOD Planning is Power.

• Cover