Up & Coming Weekly

OCTOBER 14-20, 2009 UCW 31 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ADVICE GODDESS Gift Hearse Several years ago, this co-worker I was interested in was always stopping by my desk to talk, so I gave her some turtle earrings (they related to a story she once told me). I guess I was trying to tell her I was interested, but she was leaving for two months, so it didn't make sense to ask how she felt about me. A year later, if only to find out what her intentions were, I finally asked her out. She said, "We'll see." A month later, I asked her out again. She said she'd consider it. Thinking I'd upset her, I gave her two more pairs of earrings, also along the nature theme. I waited a week, and asked for her thoughts on going out with me, and she said, "It would be weird." Now, she not only shuns me, I'm the target of other co-workers' veiled criticism. --Not A Bad Guy Are you a man or a magazine? Because you sell yourself like you're 52 issues of Time: "Get this cheesy touch-screen organizer, with only five functions you already don't use on your cell...FREE with your paid subscription!" Or, rather, "Date me! There's more cheap, wildlife-themed jewelry where this came from!" There's a reason you didn't scamper off to the mall to score dolphin bookends for fat old Gladys in accounting — even if she did once remark on the joy she felt watching Flipper frolic among the sperm whales. Let's be honest: Your offerings to your other co-worker didn't come from the goodness of your heart but the lack of brass ones in your pants. And what did you think would happen, she'd be so blown away by the gift of ear tortoises that she'd agree to have a drink with you, and never mind that tiresome preliminary step of asking her out? Women are attracted to generous men, but you show generosity by, say, springing for doughnuts for your co-workers after the doughnut budget gets cut. You can give a lone female co-worker the occasional gift — as long as it's in the realm of "Hey, I was at Starbucks. Know you've had a hard week, so I thought I'd bring you a latte." Whatever you do, don't give the gift that tells a woman "I've been logging your every word for the past two years and went to the mall and shopped based on the transcripts." This is creep street, gift-wrapped: a boyfriend present from some co-worker she speaks to in passing. Sure, this sends the message you're thinking about her, but probably thoughts along the lines of "I touched this, and you're going to put it on your ear, and then I'll be touching you." If a hunter approached eating the way you approach dating, he'd sit in his truck sipping hot chocolate, sighing, "I really wish a deer would shoot himself in the head, wrap himself in a tarp, and use his remaining energy to bind himself to my bumper." No, rejection isn't fun, but it costs less than doing everything you can to avoid it. A speedy rejection is the least costly of all. As soon as you know you're interested in a woman, you ask her out. You'll have to steel yourself for about 10 seconds of feeling like poo under her shoe, should she turn you down. But, even if she does, if you haven't been festering over her for years, it should be easier to act like you're cool with it. As a gutsy guy who tried but struck out, you might even garner admiration from your co- workers for your approach — saying it with manhood instead of baby forest animals with hypoallergenic posts. Amy Alkon WEEKLY HOROSCOPE THIS WEEK in the STARS www.Astrology-101.com ARIES - March 21 thru April 20 Fun and romantic pleasure is the prediction as Venus moves into your Relationship sector. New contacts should also bring enjoyable associations. TAURUS - April 21 thru May 21 Domestic improvements are favored as assertive Mars moves thru your Home sector. This is also a good time to launch a home-based sideline. GEMINI - May 22 thru June 21. Those with artistic, writing or musical talent should direct their creative energies towards long-range goals. Stars are in their proper places for your success. CANCER - June 22 thru July 23 A return to a nearby place may renew an interest in furthering your ambitions. Benefi cial results may come from those who have reviewed your abilities before. LEO - July 24 thru August 23 Mars, planet of action, moves into your sign. "The force is with you" the next two months in helping you develop new ideas and the favorable changes they may bring. VIRGO - August 24 thru Sept 23 Venus, planet of the arts and social good times, moves into your Income sector. Take advantage of the creative opportuni- ties this cosmic connection can bring. LIBRA - Sept 24 thru Oct 23 Romantic eligibles may easily become involved in a new relationship. Also an excellent time for all with creative ability to reveal to others their talents. SCORPIO - Oct 24 thru Nov 22 Favorable Mars aspects in your Career sector next two months indicate the stars are with you now! More dollars in your bank account is a growing certainty. SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23 thru Dec 21 Think positive! Many of your Hopes may soon become realities, Revitalization of a skill or talent can bring you more rewards and recognition in the months ahead. CAPRICORN - Dec 22 thru Jan 20 Expect changes for the better in fi nancial matters. Carefully consider all deals that lock you in for lengthy periods. Remain solvent in times of change. AQUARIUS - Jan 21 thru Feb 19 Favorable aspects spark work opportunities in distant places. There's a chance for romantic eligibles to meet the person of their dreams on a business trip. PISCES - Feb 20 thru March 20 Don't quit now! Active efforts should pay off soon with positive results. If you're not certain about a personal situation, "sleep on it" for now. NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD What is believed to be the world's only commercial lounge openly serving cocaine operates in La Paz, Bolivia, though the owners of "Route 36" have to change locations from time to time, depending on the moods of the bribed authorities. An August dispatch in London's The Guardian reported that a nearly pure gram costs the equivalent of about $14 ($22 for "premium"), served by waiters in an empty CD case, with straws, but bar drinks are also available. Route 36 is well-known to backpacking tourists. Recalled one waiter, "We had some Australians; they stayed here for four days. (T)he only time they left was to go to the ATM." [The Guardian, 8-19- 09] The Entrepreneurial Spirit! Questionable Business Model: In September, in downtown Longview, Wash., a 23-year-old man held up a sign offering to be kicked in the groin for $5. He made one sale before police, acting on a complaint, made him move on. [The Daily News (Longview), 9-10-09] Fierce Competition: Police in Broome, Australia, reported in September that a fi ve-year feud between two rival camel-ride vendors in the Cable Beach resort area had erupted again, this time involving allegations of camel theft and tossed camel dung. [Australian Broadcasting Corp. News, 9-8-09] In July, as the legal brothel business declined precipitously in Germany, owners adopted such gimmicks as free shoe-polishing and discounts for retirees. However, when several brothels began offering fl at-rate plans (based on restaurants' all-you-can-eat model), police cracked down, judging them as a little too excessive. [The Times (London), 7-28-09] Questionable Products: The Spanish toymaker Berjuan has introduced a doll that suckles from a halter worn by young girls who want to mimic their breastfeeding mothers. The Bebe Gloton is not expected to be available in the U.S. until 2010 but is being shown worldwide on YouTube. Americans appear to regard breastfeeding, in general, as much more provocative than Europeans do. [Philadelphia Inquirer, 9-2-09] The Brazilian company Petsmiling has created a prototype DoggieLoveDoll in three sizes, designed as a "mountable," anatomically correct sex partner for male dogs. It was introduced at the Pet South America fair in Sao Paulo in July, according to Associated Press photos. [Baltimore Sun-AP, 7-27-09]

• Cover