Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/35115
NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD A 53-year-old man with failing eyesightWEEKLY HOROSCOPES BY HOLIDAY and who had recently undergone intestinal surgery told Sonoma, Calif., police that on Sunday afternoon, May 1, a woman had come to his home and instructed him to drop his pants and get face-down on the bed so that she could administer an enema. He said he assumed his doctor had sent her and thus complied, and it was over in two minutes, and she was gone. The doctor later said he had no idea who the woman was. (In the 1970s, in the Champaign, Ill., area, Michael Kenyon operated similarly as the “Illinois Enema Bandit” – and inspired the late Frank Zappa’s “Illinois Enema Bandit Blues.”) [Sonoma News, 5-11-2011] The Entrepreneurial Spirit! Several funeral homes in the United States have drive-thru windows to serve rushed mourners or those stressed by the parlor experience. “Not quite as emotional,” said one visitor to the Robert L. Adams Mortuary in Compton, Calif., referring to the need not to linger in the queue of bereaved, idling motorists. The Adams facility was even more popular during the peak of gang murders in the area, according to an April Los Angeles Times report, because the drive- thru window’s bulletproof glass rendered unnecessary the precarious indoor service in which gangbangers tried to further desecrate late rivals’ corpses. [Los Angeles Times, 4-17-2011] Noses Know: In April, two Italian entrepreneurs introduced a perfume meant to evoke the scents of a person’s blood, varying by type (A, B, AB, O) – but with no actual blood. A prominent member of the U.S. “vampire community” fondly described the “intriguing” olfactory sensations of Type B (the “black cherry, pomegranate and patchouli infusions”) and Type O (“raspberry, rose hips and birch”). Another “vampirist” called the whole idea “cheesy.” [AOL News, 4-20-2011] Artist Charity Blansit (aka Cherry Tree) told AOL News in May that she has been working on a fragrance based on her own urine (although not prepared to bring it to market yet), enhanced mainly with sugar. [AOL News, 5-27-2011] Fine Points of the Law Because of a loophole in Michigan law (which, at press time, legislators were working to fix), a winner of the “Make Me Rich” lottery game in July 2010 (publicized value: $2 million) has been openly receiving the same food-stamp allotment he had been receiving before he won. In May 2011, confronted by WNEM-TV in Saginaw, winner Leroy Fick was defiant about his food stamps. Currently, eligibility is based on regular income, and Fick had taken his payoff last year in one lump sum. [Detroit Free Press, 5-19-2011] Medical Marvels Dugan Smith, 13, is almost as good as new, having overcome an extremely rare malignant tumor on his thigh bone. A surgeon at Ohio State’s James Cancer Hospital removed the middle of Smith’s leg, turned the bottom of it around so that the back faces the front, and reconnected the parts. [WJW-TV (Cleveland), 5-9-2011] COPYRIGHT 2010 CHUCK SHEPHERD WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ARIES (March 21-April 19) You’re self- assured until a certain someone comes around, and you become tongue tied and childlike. Perhaps you see this person as an unfriendly authority fi gure. Hang in there. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You will grow in power as you change self-defeating behaviors. Of course, you fi rst have to recognize which behaviors fi t the bill. For instance, you may be ignoring instruction or half-listening when your full attention is required. You’ll make an excit- ing leap forward once you identify the problem and nip it in the bud. GEMINI (May 21-June 21) You have a way of being truthful and charming at the same time. So when you communicate, the truth does not, in fact, “hurt,” as the saying suggests. It heals. You’ll give the gift of constructive criticism, and you’ll change someone’s life for the better. CANCER (June 22-July 22) This week, you’ll unselfi shly help humanity by building up the people around you in any way you can. It mostly happens in small gestures that mean more than you realize at the time. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Maybe you’re feeling older and more mature – perhaps even a bit jaded and tired. That’s why it’s important to nudge your inner child awake. Call the friends, play the games and read the books of your youth. Conjure the innocence inside you. The magic is all around you. You just have to believe it’s there. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Think of cut fl ow- ers on their second day in the vase: They may look just as pretty as they did on the fi rst day, but they don’t smell nearly as nice. You’re lucky when you make an effort to be fresh in every aspect of your presentation, including your appearance, the work you do and what you talk about. ADVICE GODDESS Boy Meats Girl LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) You’ve planned out a certain goal several times, and each time it didn’t pan out. It’s not the goal but the method of planning that is fl awed. It’s likely that your plan doesn’t accurately account for the resources of your current reality. Maybe a more creative approach is needed. SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You, like most people, would prefer that everyone, or at least a majority of the people, like and approve of you. However, this preference waxes and wanes throughout the week. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You have no problem pointing out when someone’s expecta- tion is unrealistic – except when the person in question is a child. Children make you wonder if the world might be a better place if we imposed a few more unrealistic expectations on it. It’s one way to come up with a better tomorrow. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Ever wonder why people seem to expect more from you than they do from the others? Every time you make a miracle happen, you set the bar higher for the next time. It’s something to think about as you wave your magic wand over (i.e., put your blood, sweat and tears into) this week’s projects. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Some fi nd it odd that you are better able to accept criticism than praise. They do not yet understand how complicated you can be, and the puzzle has them fascinated. You’ll get more practice with compliments this week, so try to become more comfortable with and accepting of the glowing aspects of who you are. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Though rainbow chasing can be a lovely pastime, don’t chase those that promise effortless, fast results for the low, low price of (insert high, high price). Bot- tom line: You shouldn’t have to shell out much money to follow your dreams. By Holiday Mathis DID YOU FORGET?? etm 2 5 % Thanks to our teams & best wishes for a great season! Two Great Businesses Under One Roof! 3006 Bragg Blvd. 910.323.1791 www.trophyhouseinc.com In the wake of the penis photo tweet that started “Weinergate,” I’m wondering whether women are actually turned on when they get a photo of some dude’s package. — Curious Guy Note that there’s a restaurant called Hooters but none called Testicles. While men get aroused by visuals alone, women typically need touch and emotion. Dr. Meredith Chivers’ sexual arousal studies show that women do get turned on by video of strangers having sex (including, weirdly, strangers who are bonobo chimps), but strange men’s disembodied bits really don’t do it for most. (What, you were expecting “Wow, you stuck a cameraphone in your crotch just for me?”) Once a woman’s involved with a guy, she might be into the occasional peen-mail. But, emailing a woman you don’t know a shot of your naked trousersaurus is like hitting on her at a party by unzipping your fl y and letting it all hang out: “Will ya look at this! Impressive, huh?” At least on the Internet, you won’t hear her run away screaming, “Eeeuw! Gross! Creepy!” (or howling with laughter as she hits “forward”). Sure, emailing your meat takes less effort than buying a trench coat and heading down to the corner, but it’s about as bad an idea. Generally speaking, the only package a woman wants coming to her from some stranger via the Internet is one from Sephora or Zappos. com. (Think new shoes, not new schnitzel. Amy Alkon Leave Actually My girlfriend and I promised that if we ever broke up, we’d remain friends. Well, we broke up a year ago, and she doesn’t want me in her life at all. She won’t answer my calls, email, nothing. I fi nally emailed her, saying I’d wait patiently but I need her in my life. She sent back a curt “Please be kind enough to respect my wishes.” — Ouch Of course, in the heat of love, you say, “We’ll always be friends,” and not, “If we ever break up, I’ll go around my house and cut your head out of all the pictures, burn the sheets, and put everything you ever gave me in a plastic shopping bag and drop it off at Goodwill.” After the relationship ends, however, the silliest things get in the way of a beautiful friendship, like the unbearable pain one person feels at the mere sight of the other. So, try to excuse your girlfriend if she isn’t up for regular get-togethers to learn how great your life is without her, how easy it was for you to move on, and how you spend hours every day not giving her a moment’s thought. What’s a girl to say but “That was emotionally draining! Can’t wait till next week!” Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. JUNE 29 - JULY 5, 2011 UCW 31 SOCKS • BEL TS • HA TS • P ANTS p M a o ny i O s t ! u