Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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FEBRUARY 12-18, 2014 UCW 7 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Economic times are tough. Honest work is hard. There has got to be an easier way. Right now you are probably asking yourself, "How can I be a politician?" You know the great benefits of being a politician — little work, the ability to smite your opponents, good pay above the table and even better pay below the table. Wouldn't you like to shut down the busiest bridge in the world to swat a lowly mayor? Of course you would. If you are a white aging male Republican, you become an expert on women's plumbing merely by getting elected. You don't have to know anything, you just have to be able to speak like a politician. Huzzah! For a limited time, Blarney Stone Political Talk , Inc. (BS Talk) has an offer you can't refuse. Learn Political Speak at home in your spare time. BS Talk makes learning political language fun and exciting. BS Talk makes learning Political Speak intuitive by using a combination of words, pictures, graft, hot air, threats and nonsense that can turn you into a politician in just six short weeks. Using a technique called Dynamic Confusion, BS Talk teaches you to think and talk like a politician. Black is white. Up is down. Back is Front. Voters are morons. You get the picture? BS Talk's mission statement comes from our founder, the Honorable Humpty Dumpty. Dumpty said, "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master — that's all." Or as George Costanza said, "It's not a lie if you believe it." Consider one of BS Talk's most famous graduates — Mike Huckabee, who came up with this recent exemplar of the Politician's art: "If the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control, because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it. Let us take that discussion all across America, because women are far more than the Democrats have played them to be." Huck's pronouncement is the kind of talk that gets you elected President. It is a Mount Rushmore of Political Speak. Soaring with such eagles of Political Speak as "I am not a crook" and "If you like your insurance, you can keep your insurance." Lewis Carroll would revel in Huck's wonderful statement. Huck is right out of Alice in Wonderland. Consider what Alice said about a confusing statement made by the Mad Hatter regarding the Hare putting butter into the Mad Hatter's watch. "Alice felt dreadfully puzzled. The Hatter's remark seemed to have no sort of meaning in it, and yet it was certainly English. 'I don't quite understand you,' she said, as politely as she could." That is the whole point of Politician Speak. People should not understand it. It has to be in English but without meaning. Huckabee's remark about women's libidos has no sort of meaning in it, and yet it was certainly in English. Shakespeare would be proud of the Huckster gynecological gibe at the ladies. It fires up the base of old white men who know what is best for the little woman. Consider Macbeth's statement on learning Lady Macbeth was pushing up daisies. Macbeth said "Out, out, brief candle!/Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player/That struts and frets his hour upon the stage/And then is heard no more. It is a tale/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury/Signifying nothing." Huck's pronouncement is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, but making his base of aging white men happier than a barrel of Viagra infused clams. If Huck can make the base and the Koch Brothers happy, he may be able to move into the White House. Recall Captain Renault's indignation in Casablanca: "I'm shocked, shocked to find gambling going on in here." If elected President, the Huckster will be shocked, shocked to find out that his words about women were full of sound and fury signifying nothing. As Randy Newman wrote in a song, Political Speak is how oil on water makes a rainbow. You gals just do what the menfolk tell you to do and you will be fine. If your rainbows turn out to be a bit greasy, then so be it. Political Speak Made Easy by PITT DICKEY When it comes to politics Seinfield character George Costanza was on to something when he said "It's not a lie if you believe it." PITT DICKEY, Attorney, Contribut- ing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com. 1960 Coliseum Dr. Fayetteville, NC 3 Easy Ways to Order! Online: TicketMaster.com By Phone: 800-745-3000 Crown Box Office All major credit card accepted Thurs. Fri. Sat. Sun. Feb. 27 7:00 PM Feb. 28 7:00 PM Mar. 1 11:00 AM 3:00 PM 7:00 PM Mar. 2 1:00 PM 5:00 PM Choose Your Seats: $21.50, $36.50, $51.50, VIP Saving offer excludes Front Row and VIP seats. No double discounts. Additional fees may apply.