Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/24822
Nobody Loves You Like An Ad by PITT DICKEY I love a good trend, it keeps me from having to think. The advertising gurus on Madison Avenue don’t want you to think either, just buy their stuff. Their latest trend is to position their product as either your mom or even better as your Theological Twinkie. We know the great things Moms do for us. What if the companies that produce widgets can get you to believe they love you as much as your Mom? Wouldn’t that encourage you to buy their product? Flo, the insurance lady, loves you. Buy from Flo, get love. The Beatles said “Money can’t buy you love.” Madison Avenue reveals money can buy you love, so long as you spend it on the right product. As John Lennon once sang, “Happiness is a warm gun.” Madison Avenue wants to sell you lots of warm guns so you too can be happy. If you buy the company’s product everyone is happy. It’s win-win and the terrorists lose. The point of advertising is to get you to buy stuff. Advertising is Oxycontin for the reptilian section of the human brain that believes acquiring things brings wonder and joy to empty lives. If you buy the right stuff, you will be happy. What could be simpler? Let us consider the human nose. Generally we use it for such mundane things as breathing, not smelling roses, and as a platform to hold our glasses. Most gratifyingly, every so often we use our nose to poke into someone else’s business. During the depths of adolescence, right before the prom, we use our noses to sprout large, angry pimples. Alas, sometimes the nose goes haywire and becomes infested with cartoon mucous creatures who clog up our nasal cavities. How can we rise above this nasal nostrum? How to deal with the sinus of the lambs? Who will save us? Consider this actual corporate prayer from my Kleenex box. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. “For life’s everyday joys, sorrows and sniffl es, reach for the gentle comfort of Kleenex tissues with the perfect balance of softness and strength. Each tissue soothes your sniffl es, sneezes and tears and leaves your spirits uplifted.” Here lies redemption in a box. Your cranky nose becomes a happy nose. You can buy “softness worth sharing.” Don’t you want to share your used Kleenex with 8 UCW FEBRUARY 9-15, 2011 a friend? I am inspired to start a new religion based on Kleenex, call it the “Box O’ Dreams.” Spiritual sinuses for the masses. If you’re happy and you know it, wave a Kleenex. Kleenex gets extra credit for classiness as the same blurb is printed in French on the box. As an anniversary present, I read the French version of the Kleenex prayer to my lovely wife Lani. She was touched. It was a beautiful moment. After 35 years of marriage, the Kleenex box brought magic back into our lives. Add French to post nasal drip and you will score le plus grande romantic points. Lots of products provide eternal happiness and contentment. Consider the promise of fulfi llment if you buy a Subaru; “Love, it’s what makes Subaru, a Subaru.” You thought Subari were made out of steel, plastic and glass. Not so. Subari are made out of love. Drive it and feel the love. You will be loved if you buy a Subaru. Drive your love vehicle to the Golden Corral where you can “Help yourself to happiness.” That’s right, happiness is eating mountains of food. Stuff yourself. You will be happier than a vandal stealing artifacts while ripping heads off mummies in the Egyptian National Museum in Cairo. Apres buffet, pour yourself a cup of Twining’s Tea which promises: “With my cup of Twining’s, even a rainy day feels better, so curl up with a cup of tea and let it rain,...because you deserve a better cup of tea.” Drink a “warm cup for an inner glow.” Who wouldn’t want to glow? Save money on electricity. Turn off your lights and glow in the dark. Read by your own tea light. It is unclear if the inner light shines out of your eyes or your entire body. Maybe the whole family could read by your inner tea light. Twinings promises you’ll stay hydrated, smile more, combat free radicals and discover healing herbals that let you “unwind, relax, revive or detox.” That’s my cup of Detox. It does it all. It’s a full service tea. Buy something. Be happy. Let the mindlessness fl ow. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM