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Tuesday, November 19, 2013 – Daily News 3B FEATURES Geriatric care managers can lighten the load Brother afraid to leave malicious woman control her behavior. It Dear Annie: My sisterwould help if your brother in-law, ''Marie,'' has been could get her to see a doctor diagnosed as bipolar, but and find a medication that doesn't take any medicaworks for her. If she refuses tion. For 25 years, it has and your brother is truly caused serious trouble. afraid to leave because of Marie is a spiteful, evil, her threats, this would be controlling human being. considered emotional abuse. You can't find a single person in town with a kind Annie's Suggest that he contact the Domestic Abuse Helpline word to say about her. Her for Men and Women own daughters try to keep by Kathy Mitchell (dahmw.org) at 1-888their distance. My brother is afraid to and Marcy Sugar 7HELPLINE. Dear Annie: My older leave her and instead seeks the company of other women. He's brother will be 60 this year, and he had many affairs during their mar- and his friends are hosting a group riage. All of the men he works with party in another state. His entire are aware of this and even encour- family lives here, including his son. age it because they see how awful That means for the majority of the guests, attending will include travel his wife is. As brothers, we were always and hotel expenses. I am fine with close, but Marie has managed to that. What I don't get is that this sever our relationship. My brother is event isn't offering any meals. That not a healthy man. He works extra means dinner is on us, and we will hours in order to stay away from have to pay for drinks at the party. I home. His latest girlfriend is a beau- think this is just plain wrong. We are a small family and very tiful, kind, sweet woman. He adores her, but is afraid of what Marie close. I have invited my brother to might do. She has threatened to numerous dinners here over the destroy his life if he ever leaves her. years. I suggested that we celebrate his birthday with a family dinner at Her threats are real. While we do not condone his my house, and he said, ''That is not cheating, the family has witnessed going to happen.'' I don't know his painful marriage. What can we what to think. — Party Pooper, Santa Cruz do? — Brother to Brother Dear Party: We are confused by Dear Brother: Marie should not be allowing her bipolar disease to the words ''hosting a party'' when the guests are paying for everything. Nonetheless, your brother can have the party of his choosing in the location he prefers, and you get to decide whether or not to attend. Determine how important it is for you to be there. If your brother would be hurt by your absence, please go if you can afford to do so. Dear Annie: This is for ''Searching for Answers,'' whose wife of 11 years doesn't want sex. She works in a profession, maintains a home, runs five miles a day to keep herself in shape and is raising three young kids. I'd like to offer him my insight of 73 years, 46 of which have been spent married to my wonderful wife. Sex is like the frosting on a cake. It tops off a good thing. But frosting without the cake is not satisfying. Those who marry in order to have an easy source of sex should work out some other way to satisfy their needs. A marriage where sex is the prime motivation will become tedious and dull or will not last. Marriage consists of many things, some good, some bad. It is living day to day in a quiet routine. It means that you have a close companion with whom you can share a sunset. Think before you throw in the towel on your marriage and give up the cake for the frosting. — An Old Guy Who's Been There times such experDEAR DOCtise can save TOR K: Taking money and time, care of my elderly as well as regrets. father, with his Geriatric care complicated medmanagers usually ical care, has charge by the become more than hour. Rarely is the I can handle. A cost paid by longfriend suggested I term-care insurhire a geriatric Dr. K ance; more comcare manager. by Anthony L. monly, the client How can this perKomaroff, M.D. or family pays. Be son help? DEAR READER: Car- sure to get a written agreeing for an elderly parent ment outlining the scope takes a lot of time, energy of services offered and and patience, and it may costs. This can also help also cause financial strain. you decide which tasks But caregiving also can be might be undertaken by wonderfully rewarding. family and friends to save Even if you do find it money. I've put a copy of a rewarding and don't want to stop playing a major "Needs Questionnaire" on role in caring for your par- my website, AskDocent, you might still feel torK.com. Answering this overwhelmed. If so, a questionnaire will help geriatric care manager you identify areas of caregiving that are problematmay be able to help. Geriatric care man- ic for you. It asks about all agers are jacks-of-all- areas of caregiving, from trades. Their training may meal preparation and perinclude nursing, social sonal hygiene to safety work, counseling or and medical issues. After you complete this gerontology. An experienced manager can round form, you can take it to a up medical care and nec- geriatric care manager for essary services, keep med- discussion. He or she can ical personnel on the same help you put together a page and cut through baf- personalized plan for fling red tape. He or she caregiving. To locate a geriatric can also help navigate awesome ... and for less than a nickLoyal readers of this column management system. care manager in your area, know that over the years, I've family dynamics. Think of this as you do el per gallon, it is also cheap). I use Some of the tasks geri- contact the National Asso- written a number of books. your laundry system ... or an equally cheap laundry stain atric care managers rou- ciation of Professional Every time I finish one, I say your skincare routine ... Or product called Soilove, do not use Geriatric Care Managers that's it, no more books for tinely undertake are: your housekeeping strategy. any softening products and am a — Evaluating needs: (www.caremanager.org). stickler for hot water for Insert your sysme. And like giving birth, I I am in awe of my quickly forget the pain and Determining how indewhites. See? I have a system of choice pendent your parent is in friends and my patients trauma, and in no time at all, I tem. here. We have systhe activities of daily liv- who lead busy lives but agree to do it all over again. Without a good money tems that we follow ing, such as changing still find the time and management system you'll The long process of writing The because they produce the clothes, bathing, getting to energy to help care for Smart Woman's Guide to Planning results we want. Your still be procrastinating the bathroom, making their parents. They some- for Retirement -- and now living it - system includes the steps about saving for retirement times complain, under- - has changed my life. meals, and so forth; decades from now. You you take and the tools — Connecting people standably, about just how need a good, money manYou may think I say that about you use to get the job to helpful services, senior hard it is. But, particular- every book I've written, but this was done. agement system that will housing and long-term ly when their parent is different. I've written other books work for you right now and I'm nearly certain gone, they look back on it about the changes in my life. But your systems are not care facilities; then on through all the seaMary — Bringing families as one of the most this time, writing it changed me. I exactly like mine, but in sons of your life -- come together to discuss options rewarding things they am a different person than I was the end we both get what may. have done. A geriatric when I began the process. That is results that satisfy us. supportively; The Smart Woman's — Hiring and monitor- care manager can help just how powerful it is -- and I mean Guide to Planning for Here's my laundry ing home-care personnel; lighten the load, and in a practical, doable way. Retirement is available system: I start by sorting — Coordinating care improve the dynamic for now wherever fine books The book is based on six strate- whites from colored between specialists, hos- you and your parent. are sold. Get it, read it and gies that every woman, no matter items. I make my own pital and home-care staff, let's get a conversation her age, needs to begin working on HE laundry detergent Dr. Komaroff is a right now. Just six things. Here is (and I'll put it up against any com- going. I hope it rocks your world and family members; — Recognizing and physician and professor the first strategy: Develop a money mercial brand, any day; it is that the way it has mine. Harvard Medical finding ways to circum- at School. To send vent financial, medical or questions, go to legal problems. or Working with a geri- AskDoctorK.com, atric care manager can be write: Ask Doctor K, 10 The Sacramento River Sale Lane in the Red Bluff Outlets or the AvTech facil- name of the forest Once costly but extremely help- Shattuck St., Second Discovery Center has just Recreation Area until sold ity on Airport Boulevard in on the site, go to passes & ful. 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