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Friday, December 3, 2010 – Daily News – 5A FEATURES Abhorrent aunt’s abiding anxiety Dear Annie: Three years ago, my father had a big fight with his sister, my ‘‘Aunt Joan.’’ Aunt Joan did some things that were truly selfish and hurtful, and all of the family agrees that her actions were inexcusable. She has since cut off all contact with the family. The problem is, my father continues to stew over the incident. Every time we see him, he talks about it. He has developed an ulcer and high blood pressure. He will not be satisfied until my aunt admits she was in the wrong and apologizes. But no one believes that will ever happen. We want our father to let it go before he stresses himself into a stroke. Aunt Joan is out of our lives and can do no further harm. But as long as he obsesses over the argu- ment, he is still letting her ruin his life and his health. How can I help Dad leave this behind and find some peace? He reads your column faith- fully, so your words will mean a lot to him. — Sensitive Soul in Canada Dear Canada: Part of the prob- lem may be that your father still loves his sister and wants a recon- ciliation, but knows it can’t happen until Joan changes her ways, which doesn’t seem likely. He’s angry and frustrated — and hurt. He needs to accept Joan as she is, which means the situation is not his fault and he cannot fix it. Sad as it is, he needs to Annie’s Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar make a conscious effort to let this go, and it might help to talk about it with some- one who can be sympathetic without riling him up. Dear Annie: My hus- band and I have three daugh- ters, and we also are foster parents. This will be the first Christmas that we will have foster kids in our home dur- ing the holidays. What is the etiquette for Christmas cards? Do I sign only the names of my imme- diate family, or do I include the names of the foster children? Should I mention them and their doings in our Christmas letter? Both sets of grandparents are fil- ing to adopt them, so it is highly unlikely that we will have them per- manently, and this will be the only Christmas they will be with us. I am not sure what is appropriate. — Oregon Foster Mom Dear Oregon: We commend you for taking these children into your home. Please include their names on your holiday cards, and by all means, mention them in your newsletter. It will not only make the children feel part of the family’s achievements and activities during this time, but it will also explain the extra names on the Christmas cards. Dear Annie: I have another angle on your answer to ‘‘Too Late To Care,’’ who wasn’t inclined to visit her dying sister. I am a hospice chaplain. At the end of life, people often see the need for reconciliation with estranged family members or friends. I have seen many cases where the opportunity to hear a few words from a dying person has made all the difference in the lives of those left behind. One woman, estranged from her father for 30 years, told me, ‘‘He finally said the words I had hoped for all my life.’’ It is not just about the person who is dying. When people ask me whether they should come to the bedside of someone they have not wanted to see for years, I ask them what they are hoping for and how it would help them. There are no guarantees, but there can be heal- ing. Dr. Ira Byock states that the four things that matter most are the words: ‘‘Please forgive me. I for- give you. Thank you. I love you.’’ People should not wait until some- one is dying to say those words. And it is also important not to wait until someone’s last days, when he or she might not be able to commu- nicate anymore. — N.H. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. Holiday tips with a grain of salt As the holiday shopping season swings into high gear, everyone's giving advice. As if you needed it. If you haven't learned the lesson of self-discipline by this point in the Great Recession, no newspa- per column will help. Instead, here's a bunch of tips sent to me in press releases that range from the obvious to the unique to the outra- geous. Many revolve around "surveys" that -- no surprise -- wind up favor- ing their own product or service. I pass them on in hopes that at least one of them will make a difference in your shopping style -- or at least make you smile. HEADLINE: Citibank's National Consumer Holi- day Spending Forecast PITCH: Forty-five per- cent of Americans expect to spend less than last year for the holidays, while 47 percent plan to spend about the same. Nearly half of Americans (48 percent) believe they will cut back on the cost of gifts they give this year. COMMENT: Duh! I hope they didn't pay their PR department much for this one. It came with a note that the "news" was embargoed until the fol- lowing day. HEADLINE: 2010 Gift-Giving Survey PITCH: Sixty-five per- cent of respondents said they'd rather receive a Visa gift card over a "non-essen- tial" holiday gift, such as a holiday scarf, bottle of cologne or gift basket. COMMENT: Did I for- get to mention that this "survey" was sponsored by Visa! It included another tidbit to remind you that people don't really want the gifts you're running around to pick out for them: 28 percent admitted to re-gift- ing at least one of their hol- iday gifts from last year. HEADLINE: All-Out Free Shipping War PITCH: FreeShipping.org notes that "Wal-Mart pulled out the big guns by providing free shipping on more than 60,000 online items during the holidays, with no mini- mum order or subscription registration required. ... Then Amazon said it would meet or beat any free shipping deal out there." Go to this site to download the coupon codes for free shipping from nearly 4,000 merchants. COMMENT: Every retailer from Best Buy to Toys "R" Us is trying to send you stuff for free. But they still have to pay FedEx and UPS, so tip: Buy stock in those delivery compa- nies. HEADLINE: American Express Offers Online Shopping Tool to Card- members PITCH: AmericanEx- press.com offers a free, downloadable tool that offers discounts and other special benefits to card- holders shopping online. "When cursor is placed over the icon, the offer is revealed and can be easily redeemed when you pay using your American Express card." COMMENT: The ulti- mate in technology. Isn't it nice that "don't' leave home without it" now has been updated to "don't shop online without it?" HEADLINE: What's In and What's Out for Online Couponing PITCH: "What's really 'out' is wasting time search- ing for online coupons, jumping between retail pages and couponing sites, and deciphering valid coupons from bogus ones. DropDownDeals coupon browser app will save 'time, money, hassle, and headache' by automatically delivering vetted discounts and deals." COMMENT: Even though the press release link to DropDown Deals.com didn't work, I did check it out. Down- loading the app meant it would follow me around to all my shopping sites with a popup box to offer dis- counts. What are they doing with all my shopping Dr. Andrew PomazalD.O. Physician & Surgeon General Medicine Saturday Appointments Available • High Blood Pressure • Diabetes • Joint & Muscle Pain • Lung Problems We offer Osteopathic Manipulation 530 528-2066 2050 Main St, Red Bluff Accepting New Patients info anyway? HEADLINE: Save Money AND Give Back to Charity With Every Pur- chase! PITCH: "What if every purchase you made at 1,600 retailers from Amazon to Zales earned a free donation for your favorite charity? Well it can! Good- Shop.com is an online shopping mall that donates a percentage of each purchase to the charity or school of your choice." COMMENT: This is a fasci- nating concept - - a link that redi- rects you to thousands of PITCH: The National Foundation for Credit Counseling headlines its online poll, noting that of 4,800 respondents, more than 70 percent plan to pay for holiday expenses with cash or debit card -- so they won't have bills in January. COMMENT: Terry Savage The Savage Truth on Money retail websites. But because you arrived from Good Shop.com, the char- ity you name will receive a contribution -- typically from 1 to 3 percent of your spending, and pen- nies just from your brows- ing. To start, input the name of your charity, and they verify that it is legiti- mate based on a huge database of nonprofits. Pitch says charities such as St. Jude Children's Hospital have earned more than $13,000 and the ASPCA has raised more than $35,000 to help ani- mals in need. There's no cost to users, but my browser warned me about the "cookie" that would be following me around. HEADLINE: Majority of Consumers Opt for Debt-Free Holiday Season Customer Service Representative to help schools obtain money. Work with Principals, PTA’s, Coaches, Music, and Childcares! We train! $17.99-$ 20.00/hr.avg. Call 765-377-4501 Don't wait until after the holiday shopping season to visit this help- ful website, www.nfcc.org, where you can get tips on bud- geting debt and links to the near- est local member credit counseling agency. This poll, taken from people visiting the site, repre- sents the "smart money" -- people who have already learned that debt will bury you. Too bad more people won't get the message until it is too late! Terry Savage is a registered investment adviser and is on the board of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. She can be reached at www.terrysavage.com. She is the author of the new book, "The New Savage Number: How Much Money Do You Really Need to Retire?" CHRISTMAS BOUTIQUE for Red Bluff Garden Club SCHOLARSHIP Tehama County High Schools 216 Pine St. Red Bluff Victorian House, corner of Rio & Pine ALL FRESH WREATHS, ARRANGEMENTS AND MORE Can toothpaste cause burning mouth? DEAR DR. GOTT: I have suf- fered with Burn- ing Mouth Syn- drome (BMS) since 2001. I have worked with my doctor and have had every test the Mayo Clinic rec- ommended, to no avail. Recently, my sister called and told me of an article she read where the patient had suffered for 20 years with the condition and found the cause in tooth- paste. Could you please send me any information you have on BMS, including this article with the name of the toothpaste? DEAR READER: Burning Mouth Syndrome causes searing pain that can spread throughout the entire mouth — from the lips, gums and tongue to the insides of the cheeks. It can cause a loss of taste, increased thirst, dry mouth, tingling and more. The pattern may be con- stant, or it might come and go. When the specific cause cannot be diag- nosed, it is believed linked to problems with the sen- sory nerves of the periph- eral or central nervous system. There may be a nutritional deficiency or an underlying medical condition. The condition may be related to medications, primarily those taken for hypertension. It may be caused by hypothyroidism (an underactive thyroid), diabetes, nutritional defi- ciencies, exposure to con- taminants or allergies to food additives. As I am sure you can attest, it can be extremely frustrating when the specific cause cannot be identified. When a diagnosis is found, it is often accom- plished through a process of elimination, ruling out other possible causes. That is to say, blood tests might be normal, you may not be allergic to food additives, you may not have an oral fungal, bacte- rial or viral infection, and so forth. As you can appreciate, this makes treatment difficult. People who suffer from BMS should begin by seeing their primary-care physi- cian, who may refer them to a dentist, otolaryngolo- gist or other specialist. Possible causes include oral-thrush medication, lozenges, oral rinses or mouthwashes, a trial with the B vitamins or cogni- tive behavioral interven- tion. On the home front, you should avoid eating spicy foods, or those that con- tain cinnamon or mint. Refrain from tobacco products, reduce your stress level, and — per- Dr. Peter Gott haps my most important sugges- tion — use tooth- paste and soaps that are free of sodium laurel sul- fate (SLS). This ingredient is used extensively and can cause adverse reactions in some people. Stress can be a factor. Con- sider practicing yoga, tai chi or another form of relaxation exercise. To provide related information, I am sending you a copy of my Health Report “Managing Chron- ic Pain.” Other readers who would like a copy should send a self- addressed stamped No. 10 envelope and a $2 check or money order payable to Newsletter and mailed to Newsletter, P.O. Box 167, Wickliffe, OH 44092- 0167. Be sure to mention the title or print an order form off my website at www.AskDrGottMD.com . DEAR DR. GOTT: Your article in March 2010 about retinal detach- ment saved my sight. I had the symptoms described in the article and have had two reattachment surg- eries. I also will have cataract surgeries on both eyes and cannot thank you enough. DEAR READER: I have always felt that if I can help just one person through what could be a difficult situation, then I have accomplished some- thing good. I am glad that you had the foresight to associate your symptoms with a problem that required the services of a doctor. There isn’t much of a second chance when it comes to our eyes. It’s not like losing baby teeth and having new ones appear. Eyes are precious and should be protected and cared for in the same way as the rest of the body. Thank you for taking the time to write. Good luck with your upcoming cataract repair. Dr. Peter H. Gott is a retired physician and the author of several books, including “Live Longer, Live Better,” “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Diet” and “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Cookbook,” which are avail- able at most bookstores or online. His website is www.AskDrGottMD.com COMPLETE AUTO REPAIR All makes and models. We perform dealer recommened 30K, 60K, 90K SERVICES AT LOWER PRICES Smog Check starting at $ (most cars and pick-ups) 2595 + cert. Pass or FREE retest 527-9841 • 195 S. 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