Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/19373
Free Cousin Eddie! by PITT DICKEY Has it fi nally come to this? Have we not suffered enough as a people? The vileness and vituperation of the recent late great mid-term political campaigns were a dark time for America. Now, yet another great American has been forced to fl ee our purple mountains’ majesty rising above the fruited plains to seek refugee status in Canada. Can America bear such a loss? I do not refer to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi seeking refugee status in Canada, as she is quite likely to seek asylum in France. No, I refer to America’s greatest living actor and philosopher king, Randy Quaid, the immortal cousin Eddie of the multiple marvelous National Lampoon Vacation movies. Randy has shown up in Canada seeking asylum as a Hollywood Refugee with his lovely spousal unit, Evi. He is being supported in his request for asylum by the great Canadian actors, Terrence and Phillip from South Park. Cousin Eddie recently appeared as Randy Quaid on ABC’s Good Morning America to reveal that he is in Canada to avoid the Hollywood Star Whackers who are trying to kill him. Cousin Eddie is being hounded by a secret coven of assassins who are trying to snuff him for reasons both dark and unknown. The Hollywood Star Whackers follow him around, mess up his credit cards and tap his phone. They are trying to drive Cousin Eddie insane by harassing him with false criminal charges like squatting in his own house, skipping out on motel bills and felony vandalism not to mention misdemeanor trespassing. Can a phoney jay-walking charge be far behind? Despite the intense psychological warfare and homicidal threats against him, Eddie is not slinking off quietly to an upstairs bedroom to sob quietly under a quilt at his plight. No sir, Eddie is proudly standing tall and decrying the Star Whackers as the villains that they are. Eddie’s is able to resist the Star Whackers by following the teaching of his favorite philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, who once almost said, “What does not kill me will only make me miserable.” Eddie may be miserable, but he isn’t dead, and he isn’t giving up. Eddie linked the Star Whackers cult to the deaths of David Carradine and Heath Ledger. He may be next on their list of soon to be dearly departed movie stars. Right now you are probably asking yourself, “Self, what can I do as a mere citizen to help out Cousin Eddie in his hour of need?” You have two options. You can turn this page and forget about the man who brought us so many happy hours of entertainment. Or you can contribute to the Free Cousin Eddie Defense Fund. Why should you give to the Free Cousin Eddie Defense Fund? Why should you care about truth, justice and the American way? Consider some of the great movie lines that Cousin Eddie contributed to American cinema history: “I haven’t seen a beating like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.” Clark Griswold to Eddie, “Eddie, has anyone ever told YOUyou were bad luck?” Eddie: “Those were my mother’s dying words. But I guess if your body’s covered in third degree burns, and your foot’s caught in a bear trap, you tend to start talking crazy.” Eddie at the casino buffet in Vegas, “Yum, the bread pudding is extra runny tonight. I’ll have some of the yellow stuff and don’t get cheap on me.” Eddie trying to cheer up Clark: “Come on Clark, the night is young... they’re giving away free hot sandwiches at the blood bank.” Eddie on nutrition: “Yuban coffee, You know you can sprinkle that stuff on anything? Ice cream, mashed potatoes or just eat it right out of the can for a quick pick me up.” Eddie on economic issues: “You know I got laid off when they closed the asbestos factory. I don’t know how much longer I can keep the house. The bank’s on me like fl ies on a rib roast.” Don’t let this great American end up a great Canadian. Write your Congressman. Write the high sheriff. Write a check. Right a wrong. Free Cousin Eddie. We need him now more than ever. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. Tuesday, November 23 Harvest Train Parade Begins in Falcon - 9:00 a.m. Program: “My Temporary Home” - 11:00 a.m. Lunch will be served on campus, immediately after the program. Special Performance by the Fayetteville Symphony Orchestra String Quartet For More Information: 910-980-1065 6 UCW NOVEMBER 10-16, 2010 falconchildrenshome@hotmail.com WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM