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Monday, October 25, 2010 – Daily News – 5A FEATURES Midlife mayhem maddening mate Dear Annie: My hus- band and I have been mar- ried for 26 years. ‘‘Cliff’’ had a midlife crisis after seeing photographs of him- self at our daughter’s wed- ding. I knew he took the aging process hard, and I tried to help him through it. But then I discovered he was seeing another woman. She’s been married three times and has cheated on all of her husbands. Her bed wasn’t even cold when she started seeing Cliff. I had an emotional breakdown, which put me in the hospital. Through counseling and supportive friends, I got my life back on track and have accepted the end of my marriage. I filed for divorce, went back to school and changed my career. Meanwhile, Cliff has put up every roadblock possible. He can- celed a settlement hearing and then asked me to reconsider getting divorced — not because he loves me, mind you, but for financial rea- sons. He did say, however, that he made a huge mistake and realizes how good he had it with me. Cliff is living with his girlfriend and her two teenage daughters, which he can’t handle. He admits there is no future with her, but is confused. He knows I still love him, but I refuse to share him with anoth- er woman. How can he believe he can have his cake and eat it, while expecting the one who was loyal, Annie’s Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar humiliated and hurt to endure it? I don’t believe Cliff is sin- cere in wanting to be with me. I think it’s about the money. I am scared to start over at 48, but I can do it and hope in time to stop loving him. Taking him back would be throwing away all I’ve gained. But I’m torn. Should I try to save this marriage? — Confused in Indiana Dear Indiana: Some men who go through a midlife crisis learn to appreciate what they left and return to their very forgiving wives. But Cliff is still living with his girlfriend, which sends a clear message that he is not ready to make a commitment to you and may never be. You have made yourself strong enough to be happy without him. It’s time to let him go. Dear Annie: Two months ago, the guy I loved died in an accident. I’ve been really depressed ever since and have become scared of the dark. My friends and family mem- bers are being supportive, but I don’t want to overburden them. Actually, I don’t know what hurt more — his death or finding out at the funeral that there was someone else in his life. I’m back in school and can’t function. Any advice? — Still Hurting Dear Still: Your reactions are completely normal for someone who is going through the grieving process. It might help for you to speak to a counselor at your school, or ask at any hospital if they offer grief counseling. Our condolences. Dear Annie: You told ‘‘Crowd- ed by the Ex’’ that it was ‘‘over the top’’ for the ex-wife to see ‘‘Crowd- ed’s’’ husband off at the airport. But apparently it’s OK for the ex to drop off birthday gifts and visit her for- mer in-laws in their home. That is nuts! The man is basically enjoying the company of two wives. If he is such good friends with the ex, why did they get a divorce? I don’t blame ‘‘Crowded’’ for being upset. Being friendly to an ex-wife on neutral turf is one thing. Welcoming her into your home is another. Get real. — Omaha Dear Omaha: We were sur- prised at the amount of hostility directed toward ex-wives. Many ex- spouses are friends, especially if they have children together. It’s a healthier relationship than being adversaries. Dropping off a birthday gift once a year and stopping by to see visiting former in-laws don’t seem excessively intrusive to us, but a great many readers assumed the ex had ulterior motives. Perhaps so. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. Cash crisis? Figure out exactly where you stand I have recently received so many questions related to dealing with a personal financial crisis that I thought I would answer a few at once, giving you my best ideas for prioritizing your finances when you lose your job. In general, the most important thing is to immediately figure out your situation, and all the possible alternatives if your lack of income continues more than a few months. I realize that's asking a lot of you -- to be rational and realistic while in the midst of an emo- tional crisis. But good counseling and an open, honest relationship with adult family members and, to a cer- tain extent, your chil- dren, will be a big help in dealing with your situation. You are not alone. But hope will not "save" you from even the unjust consequences of this economic recession. You will come out on the "other side" -- per- haps with fewer possessions, but with a chance to start over. And it is never too late. Q: Where do I go for help I can trust? A: The only place I recommend for honest, helpful advice is Con- sumer Credit Counseling Services. You can reach the nearest local office by calling (800) 388-2227. Then set up a meeting in person or over the phone. They'll go through your entire financial picture -- so be prepared to explain not only your outstanding bills, but your ordinary monthly spending. Basi- cally, they'll direct you to one of three paths: • They can show you how to rearrange your budget, if possible, cutting spending and prioritizing payments. Simply meeting with CCCS to get this advice does not go on your credit report. • They can enroll you in a debt- repayment program, where they negotiate with your creditors to lower your interest rates and penal- ties. This is not debt negotiation to cut your balances. But creditors do agree to accept a lower monthly payment, which the bureau will distribute from the one monthly check you send to the agency. This agreement is recorded on your credit report. • They can tell you if your situation is hope- less and direct you to a competent bankruptcy attorney. Your local CCCS agency may also be able to work with you if your only issue is making your mort- gage pay- ments. They understand the red tape around the current mortgage mod- ification programs. Q: Should I pay my credit card bills first -- because I will always need them -- or my mortgage? I will proba- bly lose my house anyway when they get around to foreclosing since I lost my job and have few prospects for a new one anytime soon. Disorder causes cloudy vision DEAR DR. GOTT: My mother-in-law is 70 years old. She never had a need to see an eye doctor until last week, when she scratched her eye. She found a local ophthal- mologist who told her that she has Fuchs’ disease, something she had never heard of before. Dr. Peter Gott As a coincidence, I decided since I turned 50 recently that it was time for me to have my eyes checked. Lo and behold, and hundreds of dollars later, I had an exam and was told that I needed glasses. When I asked my eye doctor about Fuchs’, he told me briefly about the condi- tion. Can you tell me more? Terry Savage The Savage Truth on Money months ago, it seemed to make sense to pay small legal fees to attorneys who would challenge the documentation on your mortgage, thus delaying the process of fore- closure -- and possibly giving you a chance to get another job and become current on your loan. These lawyers did such a good job of challenging the system that the entire process temporarily came to a halt. Now lenders and services have regrouped and will press forward. So it hardly seems worth- while to pay for a lawyer since now banks won't proceed without proper documentation. The real effort should be spent on trying to fig- ure out if there is any way you can amass enough money to make an offer to the bank to pay a certain amount of cash and have them redo your loan. At this point, the banks are overloaded with bank- owned real estate. So they might be open to an offer. Q: Will ordinary people ever be A: This is the most difficult dilemma of all. If at all possible, my advice is to save your home -- even if it is worth less than you currently owe. You'll always be able to get another credit card, by putting some future savings in a bank and drawing against them with a debit card. Or you can choose to keep one card current and try to avoid listing it if you must go through bankruptcy. Q: Do I need a lawyer to try to prevent foreclosure, now that some banks have temporarily stopped foreclosing? A: In most cases, an attorney can only delay -- not eliminate -- the prospects of foreclosure. When I first wrote about this topic eight A Clean, Reliable, Trustworthy, 645 Main St., Red Bluff • 529-2482 We’re now booking gourmet catering for your Holiday Parties Call us to get a quote, or book your party www.californiakitchencompany.com The Electric Man For all your electrical needs • New Outlets / 220 • Fans / Fixtures • Pools / Spas • Code Corrections • Troubleshooting • Panel Upgrade • Telephone Wiring $10.00 Customer Discount FREE Estimates License# 826543 347-4441 Chimney Company... Possible? ”Their tarps are always clean and my home is always clean afterward. What I like best is their reliability and quality.” “I can trust them!” Dr. Evan Reasor Flue Season 527 3331 THE Chimney Professionals able to buy a home again? A: The answer is a definite yes - - the housing market will rebound. But individuals and families may not qualify for the same dream home they once briefly owned. This is a historic crisis for America -- one that will test the strength of our democracy and our legal system. But most of all, it will test the character of our peo- ple. That's the Savage Truth. Terry Savage is a registered investment adviser and is on the board of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. She can be reached at www.terrysavage.com. She is the author of the new book, "The New Savage Number: How Much Money Do You Really Need to Retire?" Paid Political Advertisement VOTE “Jim” Byrne for City Council Good Government Starts Locally James E DEAR READER: The outermost layer of the eye is known as the cornea. It doesn’t con- tain any blood vessels to nourish or protect it, but it gets its nourishment from the aqueous humor behind the eyes and from tears. Its purpose is to protect the eye from debris, dust and germs. In order for a person to see well, all five layers of the cornea must be free of any cloudy areas. Visual disorders are quite common, affecting about 120 million peo- ple in the United States, causing them to wear glasses or contact lens- es. The disorders to which I refer are known as refractive errors. They affect the cornea and include myopia (nearsightedness), hyperopia (farsighted- ness) and astigmatism (uneven curvature of the cornea). Some of the more common disorders of the cornea include allergies that may be the result of a prescribed medication, animal hair, eye make- up, mascara, pollen and more; pinkeye (conjunc- tivitis), which can be caused by a viral or bac- terial infection; irritants in the environment; eye- drops and ointments; infection of the cornea brought on by bacteria or fungi from contact lenses that have not been cleaned properly; dry eyes, which can result from antihistamines, nasal decongestants, antidepressants and tranquilizers; herpes zoster (shingles) pro- duced by the varicella- zoster virus; and ocular herpes, a recurrent viral infection caused by the herpes-simplex virus. A less common disor- News tip? Call 527-2151 der is known as Fuchs’ dystro- phy, a slowly progressing dis- ease that ordinar- ily affects both eyes. The condi- tion is slightly more common in women than in men and can be detected in its earliest stages when a person is in his or her mid-30s; howev- er, the disease rarely affects a person’s vision until the age of 50 or older. Fuchs’ occurs when the cells that line the inside of the blood ves- sels deteriorate for no apparent reason. With the continuation of the loss of cells, the endothelium cannot function efficiently enough to pump fluid out of the connective tis- sue. The cornea swells, and vision becomes dis- torted. Over time, the epithelium will take on fluid that will result in visual impairment, pain and a visual haze. In the early stages, a person may awaken with blurred vision that will clear as the day pro- gresses. This occurs because the cornea is thicker in the morning as it retains fluids during sleep that evaporate during the day. With progression of the disease, the swelling will remain constant and vision will be reduced throughout waking hours. Treatment will begin by reducing the swelling with the help of drops, ointments or soft contact lenses. When the disease affects quality of life by interfering with normal daily activities, a corneal transplant might be in order. At this stage, the suc- cess rate for this surgery is good; however, long- term survival of the new cornea might be a prob- lem that wil l have to be addressed. Fuchs’ gen- erally affects both eyes equally, progresses gradually over time, occurs in otherwise healthy people, and is usually inherited. Dr. Peter H. Gott is a retired physician and the author of several books, including “Live Longer, Live Better,” “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Diet” and “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Cookbook,” which are available at most bookstores or online. His website is www.AskDrGottMD.com.