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Friday, September 3, 2010 – Daily News – 5A FEATURES Facebook fraulein foments fling ODD causes family unrest Dear Annie: Last May, my 56- year-old husband met a woman on Facebook and quickly became infatuated. She lives in Germany. We live in Kansas. My husband thinks he knows everything about her and believes she is completely on the up and up. In October, the two of them plan to meet in Boston and drive up to Maine for a week’s vaca- tion. I was informed of this plan and was specifi- cally told I was not invit- ed. the locks. What nerve. Dear Annie: Annie’s Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar My grown chil- dren found out their grandmother had died by read- ing it in the local paper. We never close. At one time, my hus- band was having an affair, and my mother-in-law would call to give my husband messages from his girlfriend. After that, I hardly spoke to her, and she never came to visit again. My husband and I My husband sees noth- ing wrong with this little excursion. He says he loves me and doesn’t think he needs to be bound by the ‘‘conventions of mar- riage.’’ If I get upset, he accuses me of not wanting him to be happy. I’m sure he’ll buy me a souvenir. We’ve been married for 11 years and had a pretty solid relationship until this. Now I feel humiliated and bitter. Am I wrong? — Mrs. Jerk Dear Mrs.: Married people who say they don’t want to be bound by the conventions of marriage are trying to justify an affair. Unless you also want an open marriage, this only benefits him. It’s time to talk to a lawyer. Then tell him to have a good time, and let him know you’ll be changing worked out our problems and stayed married. But at his funeral, my mother-in- law sat next to me, dis- placing my children, in order to ask me to return several items she had given my husband years before. Obviously, my rela- tionship with her was not good, but my children kept in touch. They used to call her often. So when Grandma passed and no one told us, my children were very hurt. My chil- dren and I went to the viewing, and my sister-in- law would not even look at us. My son was so upset about the entire mess that he walked out. None of us attended the funeral. My daughter and I made a donation to her favorite charity and never received a thank-you note. Even my husband’s aunt, with whom we used to exchange Christmas cards, has stopped con- tact. were It has been a year, but I am still hurt and angry, and so are my children. They don’t have a lot of family left. I would like to contact my sister-in-law, but don’t want to get into an argument. Any sugges- tions? — C. Dear C.: Your in-laws are not interested in a rela- tionship with you, but we hope they are willing to stay in touch with your children. If the kids can put aside their anger, sug- gest they contact their aunt to say hello and see how everyone is doing — no recriminations or lec- tures. Her response should give them an idea of whether or not things can improve. Dear Annie: I am 79 and remember home viewings of the deceased. To me, it is easier to accept death after seeing the body laid out. It is so obviously not the person I knew and loved that it makes it easier to accept the death. I am comforted to think they are in a bet- ter place. A dear friend died at 29, and since I could not attend the funeral, I have not really come to terms with it. Sometimes it seems she’s still alive. However, I hate the idea of taking pictures. It freaks me out. It is certainly not the way I want to be remembered. — Minneso- ta DEAR DR. GOTT: My son has oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), and he seems to scheme to upset the peace in our home. Once there is a blowup, he gets a little half smile on his face. What is a parent to do to fix this? DEAR READER: All children and teens have moments when they can be difficult, moody and/or argu- mentative. This is perfectly normal. However, when tantrums, arguing and angry or disruptive behaviors (especially toward the parent/guardian and other authority figures) become regular occurrences, ODD may be the reason. Symptoms are hard to distinguish from normal behaviors of strong-willed or emo- tional people. In fact, the symptoms of ODD are the same as behaviors expected during certain stages of a child’s development. When these behaviors become persistent, are clearly disruptive to the family, home or school, and have lasted at least six months, ODD must be considered. Negativity, defiance, hostility toward authority figures and disobedience are com- mon with ODD and lead to temper tantrums, academic problems, anger, resent- ment, argumentative, spiteful or vindictive behavior with adults and aggressiveness toward peers. There may be deliberate annoyance of others, blaming others for mistakes, difficulty maintaining friendships, easy annoyance, acting irritably and refusal to comply with adult rules or requests. ODD often accompanies other problems, such as depression, anxiety and attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). There is no clear cause, but it is thought that is it likely the result of a combination of inherited and environmental factors. Possible risk factors include having a parent with a mood or substance-abuse dis- order; exposure to violence; lack of supervi- sion; being abused or neglected; having par- ents with a severely troubled marriage; fam- ily financial problems; inconsistent or harsh discipline; lack of positive parental involve- ment; parents with a history of ADHD, ODD or conduct issues; and fami- ly instability, such as multiple moves, school changes or the use of childcare providers. Dr. Peter Gott Diagnosis is not made through blood or other physical testing. A child must meet certain criteria set by the American Psychiatric Asso- ciation. In order to have a positive diagnosis, the child must show a pattern of abnormal behavior for six or more months (as compared to what is typical for the child’s peers) and meet at least four of the eight cri- teria. The behavior must also cause signifi- cant problems at work, home or school; must occur on its own rather than as part of another mental disorder; and must not meet the diagnostic criteria for conduct disorder or antisocial personality disorder (in those over age 18). Treatment of ODD typically involves several types of psychotherapy and training for the child and parents. Medication to treat any associated conditions, such as ADHD, may also be used. Individual and family therapy can help the child manage anger and express feelings, as well as help- ing the family understand how the child is feeling and provide a safe, neutral environ- ment to discuss concerns, and learn how to cope and work together. Parent-child inter- action therapy (PCIT) teaches parents how to interact with their children in order to bring out their best behavior without stress- ing the parent and straining the (likely) already tenuous relationship. Training may include social-skills training, which teach the child how to interact with others in a positive manner; parent training similar to PCIT; and cognitive problem-solving train- ing, which aids the child in identifying pat- terns that lead to behavioral problems and thus change them. I believe the best approach to the situa- tion is for your entire family to seek out some or all of the treatment options I’ve detailed. In this way, everyone can come to understand what is happening and how best to handle problems when they arise. HOME SERVICES DIRECTORY 7900 Runs Every Monday - Wednesday - Friday $ $ with a 3 month commitment Blinds Need Blinds? 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