CityView Magazine

faith marriage Build a better I By Robbie Byrd, DMIN, LCSW can't tell you the number of times I have been in a marriage session and thought to myself, "Boy, I wish this couple would have talked about this issue in pre-marital counseling before they got married!" The Fayetteville Family Life Center is a small, faith-integrated counseling center in town. Here we serve all kinds of hurting people, to include couples who are suffering through tough times in their marriage. A little pre-marital counseling can go a long way in preventing some of the struggles couples live through later on in their marriages. Now, pre-marital counseling will not prevent every disagreement. But, premarital counseling can uncover many differences in perceptions, beliefs, and expectations among couples early on, even before they say, "I do." I have conducted many sessions of pre-marital counseling, both at the counseling center and in local churches. So, I also know that signing up for pre-marital counseling is not the only hurdle to uncovering differences before folks try to merge as a couple. I wonder what you think the most ordinary response a pre-marital counselor receives when he, or she, asks the tough questions to fledgling couples. Well, one common response that can derail any pre-marital session is this, "No, no, no . . . we won't have any problem with that—we are in love with each other." Now I am certainly not a crusty cynic, convinced that love does not exist. Far from the case! I really do believe in the power of love, especially among two people who want to spend their lives together. However, there is no telling the number of times, the same couple, who professed their undying love, also had that thought in the midst of their first "knock-downdrag-out"! Geesh, that love sure ran out of gas quick. Pre-marital counseling can do a world of good if the couple is open to really discovering the truths of each other's soul. Different counselors and/or ministers will guide the 14 | July/August • 2013 counseling in different ways, but can include discoveries like: • "Just how much time is your family going to be over at our house?" • "What kind of behaviors can I expect from this person I love when they get really threatened?" • "Are there any past issues that could come in the way of my future spouse's ability to trust and commit?" Now these are just a few of the interesting things couples can talk about before their big wedding day. Other issues couples can cover in pre-marital counseling have to do with deep communication, boundaries, physical intimacy, finances, carry-over issues from previous relationships and on and on. Couples can do as many sessions as they wish, but should do enough sessions to get down to some of the issues they will face after the rice falls to the ground. It still bothers me, to some extent, that even though we have come so far with the acceptance of counseling in our society, there is still a stigma with it for some. My personal belief is that this prevents many from taking part in pre-marital counseling. Also, there is the societal validation of the belief system that pre-marital counseling is not that important. In fact, most insurance companies won't provide reimbursement for it. Faced with paying for pre-marital counseling, or flowers, or wedding clothes, or a wedding party, couples naturally choose the latter. This is tragic, because so many couples really could benefit from pre-marital counseling. My prayer for the future is that our couples, and families, and communities, our whole society, would re-think the value of getting to know each other more fully before we say, "I do." In the second chapter of Genesis it states that a man should leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. CV Robbie Byrd is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker as well as Center Director at the Fayetteville Family Life Center

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