Up & Coming Weekly

Things That Won’t Happen by PITT DICKEY Do you think BP will ever plug up its undead oil well? Is BP the 21st century’s version of Dracula who spills oil instead of drinking blood? Is the Deep Water Horizon well BP’s version of Dracula’s Transylvanian Carfax Abbey? Where is Professor Van Helsing when you need someone to drive a stake into the heart of a oil gushing vampire? Is President Obama up to being our Van Helsing in the struggle against BP’s Dracula? Inquiring minds want to know. To take our minds off dying pelicans let us consider a meeting in Louisiana between President Obi as Professor Van Helsing and Tony Hayward, CEO of BP as Dracula. Tony: (hearing the sound of BP dividends being paid); “I am Dracula. I bid you welcome. Listen to them, Children of the Night. What music they make.” Obi: “Count Tony, I have seen what BP has done to the Gulf and the peasants who depended upon it for their livelihood.” Tony: “Now that you have learned what you have learned, it would be well for you to return to Washington DC and listen to Paul McCartney.” Obi: “I prefer to remain and protect those whom you would destroy.” Tony: “You are too late. My oil fl ows through the veins of the Gulf Stream. My oil will live through the centuries to come, as I have lived.” Obi: “I will have BP torn down, stone by stone, excavated a mile around. I will fi nd your earth-box and drive that stake through your heart.” Tony: “Your will is strong, Obi.” Obi: (to his cabinet secretaries) “Gentlemen we are dealing with the undead.” Tony: “I have killed the economy of four states. To die, to be “really” dead, that must be glorious!. There are far worse things awaiting the Gulf coast than death.” Occasionally I get the feeling that the experts at BP and in the Federal government don’t really know how to stop the oil leak. It is almost like they are making stuff up as they go along. A top kill here, a junk shot there, here a top hat, there a relief well, every where an oil spill. Old BP has bought the farm, E-I- E-I-O. This is not the fi rst time that the powers that be haven’t known how to stop a disaster. Consider the Black Plague in the 14th century for a moment. The plague was wiping out chunks of Europe in a really unpleasant way. King Philip VI of France requested the smartest group of thinkers in the 14th century to fi nd a way to stop the plague. He asked the medical faculty of the University of Paris to fi gure out the cause of the plague and how to cure it. These brilliant minds of the Paris U, like the brilliant minds of BP came up with several plans. The medieval docs after great deliberation determined the plague was caused by the triple conjunction of Saturn, Jupiter and Mars in the 40th degree of Aquarius which occurred on 20 March 1345. The astrological cause of the plague then became the offi cial version accepted by what was left of the world. The cures Paris U. prescribed for plague victims were as effective as the cures prescribed by the BP wizards to stop the oil leak. The best plague cure was to burn aromatic herbs to purify the bad air spreading plague cooties. Bleeding plague patients and hot plasters were another option. The most interesting cure resulted from the doctors’ observation that attendants working at the public toilets seemed to be immune to plague. As a result, the Paris docs recommended that people go to the public latrines and stay to breathe in the fumes of the latrine for their health. Some times the cure may be worse than the disease. Wonder if the thousands of gallons of chemical dispersants being dumped into the Gulf by BP will turn out to be worse than the oil spill? In the 14th century great minds used to guess how many angels could stand on the head of a pin. In the 21st century great minds now guess how many barrels of oil are coming out of BP’s well. BP will stop the oil leak when Lucinda Williams’ song lyrics come true: “If cats walked on water/ and birds had bank accounts/And we loved one another in equal amounts.” Ain’t life grand? PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com.      DOUBLETREE HOTEL and Marquis Bistro • Full Service Hotel • I-95, Exit 49 • Conference Space • Luxurious Sweet Dreams beds • Flat Panel TV’s • Microwaves and Refrigerators • High-speed Internet • Full Service Spa Marquis Bistro with Fine Dining • Open For Breakfast & Dinner • Karaoke on Friday Evenings • Specializing In Indian Cuisine 1965 Cedar Creek Rd. • Fayetteville • 910.323.8282 • www.doubletree.com Let The Fayetteville Doubletree Hotel Be Your Destination To Remember! 6 UCW JUNE 23-29, 2010                          P.M.   SPECIALS FOR ONLY $7.99 EACH!  MON       5-8 p.m.  Big WED             f WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM       5-8 p.m. Appreciation Night $1 Domestic Bottles THURSDAY Military $ $1 Well Sh 21 and over FREE before 10 p.m. ell Shots

• Cover