North Bay Woman

52 NORTH BAY WOMAN | S U M M E R 2 0 1 5 By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT Despite word on the street, and according to a recent Pew Re- search study that marriage is on the decline, this is clearly of no con- sequence to many who continue to choose to demonstrate their love and commitment to each other through this formally recognized union. Whether you are planning to marry for the first time, on your 2 nd , 3 rd or even 4 th marriage, are an LGBT cou- ple or whatever your partnership, the strength of your relationship is reliant upon the foundation on which it sits. Life has a tendency to throw curve balls and securely bonded couples with the most flexibility and ability to adapt to change are in good relation- ship shape. Ideas around money, blending families and reli- gious or spiritual considerations all can be hot topics for couples. But I'd like to drill down to the dynamics of the relationship itself. In the therapy world we sometimes speak of "process vs. content," in that we ultimately want to know what the undercurrent of the relationship is doing rather than who is mad about the toilet roll paper facing the "wrong way" or why he/she leaves a trail of clothes on the floor when changing. Relationship Foundation Strengtheners Hone Your Communication Skills: Practice presence rather than withdrawal, calmness rather than reactivity. Learn how to productively navigate conflict, as conflict is a part of life. Speak to each other in a kind way, avoiding defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt. Understand and Seek Emotional Safety: What will it take for you and your partner to feel confident to know you are the "port in the other's storm," a collaborative partner, a safe place? Do you feel prioritized, respected, validated and loved? Compassion for Each Other's Wounds: Old emotional injuries stemming from the family of origin or other prior traumatic experiences often show themselves in intimate relationships. Work through your own "stuff" and share your findings with each other to be aware of each of your soft spots and vulnerabilities. Identify Your Attachment Styles: Your attachment patterns are developed in early childhood based on parenting experiences. They impact your intimate relationships as reflected in your needs and how you go about trying to get them met. Generally speaking, there are secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized styles. Seek Higher Positive to Negative Interaction Ratio: Pro-social emotions such as gratitude and appreciation, responding to each other's bids for attention, using humor to de-escalate conflict and showing general interest in each other's worlds are all good ways to positively connect. Be Clear on Each Other's Relationship Balance Needs: The "you, me and we" of your relationship are like overlapping circles. Many people find satisfaction with attention paid to all three aspects. But some have more need for "we" and less for "me" and vice versa. Discuss where you both are on this and find ways to compromise to meet each other's needs if a significant difference exists. Practice Relationship Loyalty: This is not as it might appear. I'm not speaking about being faithful but rather avoiding other pitfalls that might feel like emotional betrayal. Strengthen your relationship before you say "I Do"

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