Up & Coming Weekly

March 03, 2015

Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.

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20 UCW MARCH 4-10, 2015 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM From the moment I read the first page of E.L. James celebrated "mommy porn" I looked forward to hate- watching Fifty Shades of Grey (125 minutes). This level of character vapidity and self-absorption comes around but once in a great while and we need all bear witness. Feel free to loudly remind the lead character of the safe word when she forgets that a good submissive needs to tell the dominant when they're done for the day! Before I am accused of snobbery, let me admit it with pride. Then let me tell you that being a snob should not prevent anyone from enjoying the archetypal seduc- tion story, with sex that occurs between two people who have no clear prior knowledge of human sexual- ity. You see, Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is a self-admitted virgin who specializes in early English Literature. Christian Grey (Jaime Dornan) approaches this situation like he figured out sex from the ground up after he was abandoned as an infant on the island from The Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields and a copy of Penthouse Letters. This is exactly as hilarious on screen as you can possibly imagine, and I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the friend I abandoned in the movie theater after a fit of uncontrol- lable laughter dictated I politely excuse myself from the scene featuring the seduction of the wholly innocent Ms. Steele ("Laters, Baby!"). The film begins with Anastasia tying her hair back in a ponytail, universal movie symbolism for not realizing how attractive you are. She is going to interview bil- lionaire playboy Christian Grey while biting her lip and mouth breathing. During the interview, unbeknownst to Anastasia, but knownst to the audience, the two make a love connection and begin awkwardly deciding which one is The Worst at relationships, via non-disclo- sure agreements and text messages a fourteen year old girl wouldn't send. Since Anastasia has been wearing a chastity belt since she was born, when she gets that feeling and wants sexual healing, she responds by pretending to get drunk and contacting Christian. Yes, I said pretend- ing, because Dakota Johnson plays "drunk" about as well as I play "nice." After he cave-man's her friend into leaving her alone (swoon. I love it when big strong men step in between me and the guy I am about to kick in the hacky sacks), she vomits all over, so he takes her back to his hotel and is naked and weird over toast the next morning. As the go-away-come-here messages come fast and furious, Christian tries really hard to be an actual person that does stuff actual people do, like take his new girlfriend on a helicopter ride and fly across the country on a whim to meet her drunk mother without really being asked. Alas, eventually all good things must end, and this is no exception. The final shot is the elevator door closing between the two of them, prob- ably a metaphor or something. The two leads are pretty wooden, which adds to my glee, but really what ends up on screen is ten times better than the source material. In another world, in which the filmmakers managed to cast Alexander Skarsgard and Elizabeth Olsen as the leads, I can imagine enjoying this un-ironically. To sum up, picture Russell Crow as Maximus, spittle flying, eyes agleam with crazy, screaming "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" I was indeed entertained, friends and neighbors. I was indeed. Now showing at Market Fair 15, Carmike 12 and Patriot 14 The Jokes Write Themselves Fifty Shades of Grey (Rated R) by HEATHER GRIFFITHS HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com. 910.484.6200. The Leading Edge In Contemporary Living MOVE IN TODAY! AddisonRidge.com • 910.227.3775 MONDAY $5 Pizzas THURSDAY Corn Hole Tournament TUESDAY $5 Burgers All Day & Live Trivia FRIDAY Live Music KickBack with us later, now open until 2 a.m. 5081 Morganton Rd., Fayetteville, NC 223-7676 • Open Daily 11am-2am kbjacks.com NHL Package NBA Package

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