Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: http://www.epageflip.net/i/453047
8 JAN 28 - FEB 3, 2015 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. To Register for FREE Seminar Call (910) 484-2284 Ext. 273 or register online at www.CapeFearEye.com Dr. J. Wayne Riggins, Dr. Sheel Patel, Dr. Raz Penmatcha, Dr. Cynthia Toth, Dr. Lejla Vajzovic Dr. Shelby Stephenson, Dr. Edward Kenshock, Jr., Dr. John Krempecki, Dr. Duy Lam iLASIK - approved by ALL branches of the U.S. Military and NASA One lucky individual will WIN a FREE iLASIK procedure *MUST BE PRESENT TO WIN! iLASIK Seminar February 19 th , 2015 7:00 to 8:00 pm Thursday procedure 1726 Metro Medical Drive Fayetteville, NC 28304 Refreshments will be served! (Must be 18 years or older to register & attend seminar) Register to WIN a FREE Congratulations On Your Engagement! Meet over 50 wedding vendors including local florists, one-of-a-kind jewelers, bakeries, DJs and travel agents to simplify your wedding planning. Gain inspiration for your wedding day style from one of our two fashion shows highlighting the latest colors and trending bridal fashions! Executive Chef Vince Martin welcomes you to taste Holiday Inn Bordeaux's newest catering specialties! Meet our esteemed event specialist and begin planning the wedding of your dreams! Enter-to-win fabulous door prizes, winners to be announced at the event! All brides will receive complimentary gift bags featuring merchandise from select vendors. To R.S.V.P. Please call 910-323-0111 Advanced Tickets: $3.00 per person • Tickets Day of Event: $7.00 per person Are you one of those people who have done things in the past that you wish you hadn't done? Do you have trouble believing that 60 is the new 40? No longer believe that the best is yet to come? Do you sometimes wake up at night remembering you forgot to report as income the time you won the lottery? If so, Acme Pharmaceuticals has the new drug just for you. That's right friends and neighbors, start drinking a daily pint of Milk of Amnesia. You will forget all your shortcomings. It's instant innocence in a jug. Think of how happy you will be when you can't remember all the things you have done wrong. That special someone you let get away in your misspent youth who occasionally haunts your dreams will vanish from your thoughts quicker than a Republican Congressman can vote to abolish Obamacare. Would you like to forget the annoying commercial where two people sit in bathtubs gazing at the sunset while waiting for the moment to be right? What would you give to forget the ads for constipation or the really, really, late night TV ads for recyclable catheters you can wash in the dishwasher? With Milk of Amnesia, these annoyances won't even be a distant memory. The best thing about Milk of Amnesia is that it is totally organic. None of those harmful genetically modified organisms that are oozing their way into most everything that you eat nowadays. Milk of Amnesia is produced in much the same manner as Dinkin's Black Ivory coffee. You may have read about the world's most expensive coffee, Dinkin's Black Ivory, which is made from coffee beans that have been eaten by elephants in the Golden Triangle of Thailand. After a period of digestion, Babar, Horton and Jumbo then excrete the undigested coffee beans into piles of elephant poo. The wives of the elephant caretakers then pick through the piles of elephant poo to pull out the coffee beans that passed intact through the elephant's gastro-intestinal system. These beans are then sold for $500 a pound. Some pachydermian protein in Babar's gut mixed with fermenting bananas in the elephant's tummy removes the bitterness from the coffee beans leaving the beans with a smooth taste that can't be beat. Milk of Amnesia comes from the berries of the Mnemosyne tree and leaves of the Ginko Biloba bush. Normally these berries and leaves enhance your memory. After passing through the digestive system of a Sasquatch, a chemical transformation takes place that actually diminishes human memory instead of enhancing it. You become gluteo-cephalic. Best of all, Sasquatches are free range, totally organic and non-union workers. That's right, Sasquatches all live in Right to Work States so you don't have to worry about Union bosses raising the cost of Milk of Amnesia by demanding a living wage for Sasquatches. Take a clue from Marie Antoinette, if the little Sasquatch cubs go hungry, let them eat Dinkin's Black Ivory coffee beans. Milk of Amnesia works as a sword as well as a shield. Milk of Amnesia is a worldclass marital aid soon to be sold at fine adult emporiums everywhere. It removes the memory of all those unpleasant day-to-day marital irritants that can grind at a marriage like a tire shredded by driving the wrong way onto the spikes at the rental car lot. Remember that time you ran out of gas after your wife told you to stop and get gas? She remembers even if you don't. Put a pint of Milk of Amnesia into her milkshake and she will forget all your failings. As with all powerful drugs, there are potential side effects to consider. If you find that your short-term memory lasts more than four hours, stop taking Milk of Amnesia immediately and call a neurologist. Warning: Milk of Amnesia is designed to wipe out bad memories. If you have led a life of doing bad things, you may lose all your memories and forget who you are. If you enjoy feeling guilty, this sensation will end. Other side effects can include sudden cardiac arrest, moral paralysis, chest pain, chills, hives, trouble breathing, blindness, deafness, vomiting, a sudden desire to join the Tea Party, back pain, frequent urge to express insane political opinions, joint pain, hallucinations, inability to ambulate effectively, trouble swallowing and seizures. Drink up. The past failings you forget will be your own. Milk of Amnesia by PITT DICKEY Milk of Amnesia helps you forget that which makes you guilty.