The O-town Scene

The Advice Goddess By The larva of the party I love to dress up and go socialize with people. My boyfriend, however, can only smile friendly and chitchat for about 20 min- utes before he seats himself in some corner and starts reading the host’s books. Last time we went to a dinner party, I found him alone in a room petting the owner’s dog! I do introduce him around and encourage him to be more outgo- ing. I think if he’d just make more of an effort to talk to people, he’d have a better time. He says he’s not miserable but just can’t do this social stuff for long. I love having him with me, even though he’s kind of not actually with me. So, can it work with a self-proclaimed introvert and a party girl? _ Social Butterfly It’s a party! You’re in your element, making the rounds, meeting tons of new people, rack- ing up invites to parties after the party, and your boyfriend’s, well, probably in that little crawl space under the host’s stairs. Sartre once said: “Hell is other people at breakfast.” An introvert sees no reason to narrow it down to a particular time of day. My own introvert boyfriend is charming and fun one on one, but his favorite kind of party is one that’s canceled, and his preferred RSVP would be something Ving Rhames said on the set of “Out of Sight”: “I don’t want to talk to anybody I don’t already know.” Ever since Freud decided (sans evidence) that introverts were repressed, narcissistic trolls under the bridge, extraversion has been considered the ideal and introverts have been seen as socially stunted. Introversion is also wrongly conflated with shyness, but shyness is fear _ and shame-based _ quite differ- ent from seeing no reason to say anything to strangers unless you or they are on fire. More and more, research points to a strong biological basis for personality. Brain imaging shows distinct differences in introverts and extraverts. Studies by neuroscientist Debra L. Johnson and others found that extraverts, who get energized from external stimula- tion like meeting new people, have increased blood flow to rear areas of the brain for sensory processing (like listening, touching, watching). Introverts, who tend to be more pensive and introspective, and are easily overwhelmed by too much external stimula- tion, showed more blood flow altogether (in- dicating more internal stimulation), over more complicated pathways, with more activity in frontal regions for inward tasks like problem- solving, reasoning and remembering. Put that together with a Chinese study adding evidence that introverts get socked with a higher level of cortical arousal from stimuli, and you get the idea that urging introverts to be more outgoing is a bit like urging scissors to be more like a stapler. So, can it work between you and a boy- friend, who probably researches the host’s wallpaper so he can dress to blend into the background? Well, maybe; if you’re indepen- dent enough to show up to most events with- out him as Your Date™. There will, of course, be times when it means something to you to have him there, and the compromise then is his to make. Be sensitive to his feelings, try to get there early (when the houseplant-to-guest ratio is greatest), and be okay with him even- tually slinking off to read “The Life History of the Dung Beetle” or talking to the dog (who’s sometimes the most interesting person at the party). Pair pressure What do you call somebody you’re in a long-term relationship with when you’re both middle-aged professionals who live together but aren’t married? My (fill in the blank) and I are somewhat stymied when introducing each other. “Boyfriend” sounds transient, “partner” is business-y, “significant other” sounds cold and “lover” is way too much information. Help! _ His Non-Wife Have you tried “This is Bob, and we’re in a monogamous sexual relationship”? Or maybe “Meet the one thing keeping me from dying alone and having my decomposing body go undiscovered for weeks.” There’s status in being married, so there’s an understand- able desire by those who are coupled but not under contract to have their relationships valued, too. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a good term for introducing an unmarried partner, although some options might be: “My Yoko Ono,” “my consort,” “my constant,” “my boy-toy,” “my everything” or, during a rough patch, “my plus-one, Bob.” But, do you really need to explain your relationship immediately? Frankly, if more of the smug married people out there were as honest and concrete as you’re trying to be, they’d drop that convenient spousal short- Amy Alkon is a syndicated advice writer whose column runs in more than 100 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. Although th column reads as humor, it’s based in science, psychology, evolutionary psy- chology and ethics. hand of “Meet my husband” for something like “This is the man I refuse to have sex with. I’ve fantasized for years about strangling him in his sleep, but it’s a tough economy and I’m in retail.” (c)2010, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com. Her website is www.advicegoddess.com. Alkon’s book is “I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite soci- ety” (McGraw-Hill). The print edition is available online at Amy Alkon www.otownscene.com Nov. 11, 2010 O-Town Scene 47

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