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6 UCW FEBRUARY 3-9, 2021 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Ask not for whom the octopus tolls by PITT DICKEY Not too much happened in January. It was a boring month. Only things barely worth men- tioning were an insurrection at the Capitol, Dear Leader's Second Annual Impeachment and the inauguration of Joe Biden as the new president. But enough of those mundane events, let us move on to what Mr. Science is saying about the celes- tial origins of our maritime friend the Octopus. Most people think of Octopi as nautical but nice. Wrong. But first a salute to America's favorite rodent. February brings us the return of Ground Hog Day. I would be remiss without giving a tip of the Old Hatlo Hat to Bill Murray and Marmota Monax, AKA Punxsutawney Phil. e message from "Groundhog Day" movie is if you wake up to each day listening to Sonny & Cher singing "I Got You Babe," eventually you will get your life in tune with the Universe. Everyone has heard of Punx- sutawney Phil but few people are able to spell his first name correctly. I consulted with Mr. Google to get it right. Consider jotting down the spell- ing of Phil's first name for future reference. Go ahead, find some paper and a pencil. I can wait. MMMMMM… OK, now back to Cosmic Octopus bio-technology. If you missed the March 2018 issue of Progress in Biophysics and Molecular Biology, allow me to bring you up to date on a study published therein. A Pod of 33 international scientists, after massive research into Octopus genetics, theorized that the Octopus is not of this Earth. It is a space alien from Out ere. e boring prevailing theory of the genesis of Octopi is that they evolved about 500 million years ago from Grandma and Grand- pa Cephalopod. e Pod's study reports that Octopi are "so very different, genetically speaking from their alleged Nautiloid ancestors." e Pod's study says: "e genetic divergence of Octopus from its ancestral coleoid sub-class is very great… Its large brain and sophisticated nervous system, camera like eyes, flexible bodies, instantaneous camouflage via the ability to switch color and shape are just a few of the striking features that appear suddenly in the evolution- ary scene." at is one spicy mouthful of scientific calamari. e theory of the Pod is that frozen Octopi eggs came from outer space riding on comets or meteors that crashed into the ocean. In somewhat speculative terms this is what hap- pened: Long ago in a galaxy far, far away, a couple of amorous space octopi went to a celestial drive- in movie double feature, one thing led to another, and whoopee was made. is activity resulted in a bunch of Octopi eggs. Mama Space Octopus was not ready for children as she had her career to think about. So, she had her eggs frozen at the local Cryogenic Center for future use once she made partner at her law firm, Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Cephalopods at Law. It soon became ob- vious that her career track would be stymied if she had 10,000 babies. Preferring financial success to motherhood, she went to the Spacely Sprockets factory and loaded all her frozen eggs onto com- ets to send out to the Great Beyond. e Pod's theory concludes that: "Evidence of the role of extraterrestrial viruses in affecting terrestrial evolution has recently been plausibly implied in the gene and transcriptome sequenc- ing of the Cephalopods. e genome of the Octo- pus shows a staggering level of complexity with 33,000 protein coding genes more than is pres- ent in Homo sapiens. e transformative genes leading from the consensus ancestral Nautilus to the common Octopus are not easily found in any pre-existing life form – it is plausible then to sug- gest they seem to be borrowed from a far distant "future" in terms of terrestrial evolution, or more realistically from the cosmos at large." Transla- tion: Octopi are Space Aliens! If Octopi are from outer space, this raises a number of troubling questions. Being from an advanced civilization, what is to prevent Octopi from ultimately taking over the Earth? If Octopi are allowed to participate in gymnastics the 2021 Japanese Olympics, their flexibility will allow them to sweep every event. Imagine the heart- break of terrestrial gymnasts watching Octopi take the gold, silver and bronze medals. e horror. e horror. Only a world-wide campaign to convince Earthlings that fried Octopus is the new calamari is the only way to stop Octopi from conquering the world. As Slim Whitman saved humanity in "Mars Attacks" by his yodeling, it is up to each and everyone of us to order Octopus calamari as an appetizer once we can safely re- turn to restaurants after e Rona is defeated. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that e Rona was sent to Earth by Space Octopi for the very purpose of stopping humans from defending the Earth by eating Octopus calamari. Recall the 1983 James Bond movie "Octopussy" which involved Bond saving the western world from defeat by the Russians. It is no accident that Bond was the first to warn to the world about the dangers of Octopus occupation. Even though that James Bond was played by Roger Moore instead of Sean Connery, we need him now more than ever. But there is no James Bond to save the Earth from the Space Octopi this time. It is up to all of us to do our bit and take a bite out of Octopi. Treat every day as Ground Hog Day, at every meal, every day, order an Octopus calamari appe- tizer. Join the Octopus Liberation Front. Remem- ber, only you can prevent Octopus domination of the Earth. OPINION PITT DICKEY, Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910-484-6200. make your Radio sound funny. Mornings 6am to 10am on WFAY. Bud & Broadway